


All of You

by krissybl



Series: All of You [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Character Death, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Domestic, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-04
Updated: 2014-05-19
Packaged: 2018-01-21 23:45:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 27,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1568294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krissybl/pseuds/krissybl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean was at the lowest point in his life when he met Jimmy. Not nearly as low as the other man was, but it was dark inside his head all the same. And dark as Jimmy was, he somehow became Dean’s light.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. He Met Jimmy First

**Author's Note:**

> I did not do any real research into Dissociative Identity Disorder, so I apologize if any of the details of the condition are off. This is really a look into the different sides of Castiel's character and how Dean relates to all of them. I hope you enjoy.

Dean was at the lowest point in his life when he met Jimmy. Not nearly as low as the other man was, but it was dark inside his head all the same. And dark as Jimmy was, he somehow became Dean’s light.

He met Jimmy first. They were in group therapy together and his room was just down the hall from Dean’s. Dean had ended up on the ward thanks to his Uncle Bobby. Bobby had called when he found the younger man passed out surrounded by empty beer bottles and a mostly empty bottle of sleeping pills. Sammy and his Dad had been gone for almost a year. Killed in the accident with the tractor trailer truck. Dean had been driving. His mom had been gone since the house fire when he was just a little kid. So his Uncle Bobby was all he had left. He was the only one who gave a damn whether Dean lived or died. Because Dean certainly hadn’t. So, when Bobby found Dean barely breathing, he called. They pumped Dean’s stomach and he ended up with a pale blue outfit, a forced vacation behind locked doors, and a diagnosis. Severe depression with suicidal tendencies.

But this story isn’t about how Dean ended up on the ward. It’s about what, or rather who, he found there. He met Jimmy first. They were in group together. Dean had seen him in the day room a few times but had never heard him talk. That day in group Dean found out why the other man was locked up in the loony bin with him. Jimmy told the group, while staring at his hands hunched in on himself, about the night his world ended. He’d fallen asleep in his chair in front of the TV. Watching some stupid televangelist. That’s why he hadn’t been there to protect them. Why he was too late. He hadn’t heard the footsteps on the stairs over the sounds of the gospel music. By the time he heard Amelia scream there was no prayer that could fix it. She was already dead when he made it up the stairs. Jimmy was just in time to see the madman cut Claire’s throat. His eyes were locked on her empty face and never saw the bedside lamp as it crashed down on the back of his skull.

Jimmy woke up screaming. There was a police officer standing over him and the sheet covered body of his little girl on the floor. The white was stained scarlet. His voice was hollow as he told everyone what happened next. He could hear the men pass by in the hallway with his wife’s body on a gurney. They came back with another for Claire. As they lifted her small form her tiny hand slipped from beneath the sheet. It had blue nail polish and was dripping red. When the first drop hit the tan carpet, he broke.

After group was over Dean found him in the day room. He sat down across from where Jimmy was just staring at the table. The cloth was patterned with flowers and bees.

“Hey, Jimmy. My name’s Dean.” Jimmy spared him the briefest glance before staring back at the flying bees on the tablecloth.

“Hello Dean.” Just like in group, his tone was empty and flat. They sat there in silence, both reliving their nightmares. Dean’s were full of screeching tires, crunching metal and shattered glass. Jimmy’s were filled with red on tan and gospel music turning to screams.

That’s how it all started. They would go to group and then sit together in the afternoons. After the first few silent meetings Dean brought a deck of cards and taught the other man how to play poker. He’d never learned with all those church meetings and prayer groups. Between hands they got to talking. Dean told him stories about Sammy and Dad and Uncle Bobby. He told Dean about Amelia and Claire. One day Jimmy missed group and he wasn’t in the day room after. Dean asked the nurses but they gave him some crap about doctor/patient confidentiality. He didn’t see Jimmy again for three days.

Jimmy was silent when he reappeared in group. The circles under his eyes were darker than usual and his hair was messier than ever. When they sat together afterwards he told Dean where he’d been. Solitary. Sedated. That’s when he explained exactly how his family’s murder had broken him. Dean had always thought it was called being Schizophrenic. Turns out that’s the wrong term, but what did he know? Jimmy had what was called Dissociative Identity Disorder. To cope with the trauma his mind had shattered into different pieces. He became people who didn’t mourn the loss. According to the doctors he had five “alters.” That’s the fancy term for them apparently. It didn’t matter to Dean. Jimmy was his friend. And hey, the more the merrier, right?


	2. To Have Purpose

Dean kept working at his recovery. In between his sessions he spent time with Jimmy. As the dark haired man got more comfortable with Dean his other sides started coming out. Jimmy was getting better but he still needed his alters, so they were still a part of him. And since he was the best friend Dean had ever had, he figured he should get to know them, too. Having a friend, or in this case friends, helped Dean to get well much quicker than if he had still felt alone. So, just when Dean was getting to know all sides of the other man, he was sent home. Well, to Uncle Bobby’s anyway. His apartment had been cleared out since he hadn't been there to pay the rent. 

He started working for Bobby in the scrapyard. He pulled parts, ran errands, called clients and just basically did any grunt work Bobby felt like throwing his way. He also started fixing up some of the more complete junkers so Bobby could sell them and bring in a little extra money. Dean worked all day at Singer’s Scrapyard, and it felt great. He was closer to Uncle Bobby than ever and he felt like he was being a productive member of society again. At the end of every work day he would head home to wash off the grease and sweat. Then he would go visit Jimmy for an hour or so. He made sure he went every day.

At first when Dean visited, the other man was quieter than he had been since they first met. Two weeks after Dean was released Jimmy started missing visits. He would be gone for a day or so and then be back in the visitor’s lounge when Dean stopped in. After one absence that had lasted five days Dean found him in the lounge looking more determined than ever.

“I want to get out of here, Dean.” His voice was harsher than normal. “I hate this place even more since you left.” That wasn't Jimmy’s normal voice. Dean looked closely at the other man’s expression.

“I know, Castiel.” Dean patted him on the shoulder. “And you will. Just do what the doctors say and you’ll be out of here in no time.” 

“But where will I go? Where do I fit?” Castiel had always been the one with the questions. He always wanted to understand the bigger picture. The grand plan. Dean squeezed his shoulder where his hand still rested. 

“We’ll figure it out, man. Don’t worry.” Castiel’s answering smile was tiny. He almost never smiled so when he did it was like a victory. Dean grinned in return. They spent the rest of visiting hours just watching the other people in the room. Castiel loved watching people. 

That night when Dean got home, he started making plans. He worked longer hours and extra shifts on weekends. He fixed anything that still had an engine for Bobby to sell. When he ran out of work and wasn't visiting Jimmy, he dragged the Impala out of the back lot and started fixing it up, too. Jimmy had his therapy. Getting his baby roadworthy again was Dean’s. 

Over the next four months they both worked. Dean worked on the Impala and for every scrap of cash he could gather. Jimmy worked on his therapy. He added Dean as his emergency contact so the doctors could talk to him about his progress. They started letting Jimmy help around the hospital. Simple stuff like laundry and dishes. Finally he was allowed day passes. They went looking at apartments. Somewhere they could call their own when Jimmy got out. His recovery was going great so it was usually Jimmy that Dean picked up. But every now and then it was one of the others who Dean spent the day with. They were all a part of Jimmy, so it didn't much matter to Dean. 

The week before Jimmy was released they got the keys to their apartment. It was close enough that he could walk for his weekly sessions, and it was only a ten minute drive from the scrapyard. Uncle Bobby was anxious at first, but he saw that helping Jimmy gave Dean something to live for. Something he hadn’t had since losing Sammy and his Dad. So Bobby figured if it kept Dean going, then it had to be good. 

The apartment wasn't much. Two small bedrooms, the tiniest kitchen, an even tinier bathroom, and a main room where they did everything but cook and sleep. But it was theirs. Jimmy wasn't really fit to work anything steady, since he wasn't always Jimmy when he woke up in the morning. But he kept the apartment clean and did some odd jobs for people in the neighborhood. He always felt guilty that he couldn't pay for more, but Dean told him to cram it. What were friends for? Dean kept a roof over their heads and Jimmy kept a bottle out of Dean’s hand. It felt good to have a purpose. 

Living together was surprisingly easy. They liked a lot of the same music and movies. Dean liked having someone to come home to and Jimmy liked being able to take care of a household. They were best friends and it worked. Jimmy’s alters came out now and then. But hey, six friends instead of one. Dean was an easy going kind of guy. All things considered, life was pretty awesome.


	3. Changing the Game

It was Jimmy that Dean met first. And it was Jimmy who was his best friend. But it was Cas who changed the game. Dean thinks that Cas is who Castiel becomes when he stops caring about the questions of the universe. When he figures it's time to just enjoy life. They were eating pizza and watching an old western one night when Dean noticed he was hanging with Cas. He could tell by his posture and easy smile. Cas never looked haunted or tense. He was like a stoner without actually smoking. Dean laughed a bit and settled further into his end of the worn sofa. Hanging with Cas was always easy.

“Hey, Cas.” Dean patted his shoulder. “How are you, man?”

“Awesome, Dean.” He smiled lazily at Dean. “How about you?”

“I’m good. Pass me another slice, will ya?” He handed one over and they returned their attention to the movie. By the time it was over Dean had his head rested on the back of the couch just drifting off to sleep. His eyes blinked open when he felt the empty soda bottle being taken out of his hand. 

“Hey, Cas. Guess its time for bed, huh?” He was standing just in front of Dean, lazy smile still in place. He had the soda bottle and was setting it on the floor. 

“I don’t know. I can think of something more fun to do.” Dean was still half asleep and a little slow on the uptake as the other man settled himself on Dean’s lap, arms wrapping around Dean’s shoulders. His brain still hadn't caught up by the time their lips connected. Dean could lie and pretend he pushed Cas away. He could act like he did the decent thing and didn't take advantage of Jimmy’s state. But he had been barely awake, and it had been awhile, and damn if Cas didn’t feel amazing. Dean couldn't contain the groan that passed his lips as his arms moved around to clutch at Cas’ back. Cas was holding onto Dean so tight it almost hurt. They moved together for a few minutes before Cas just sort of slumped forward. 

That finally snapped Dean out of it. The other man always kind of drifted out for a few seconds before he switched alters. Dean didn’t know who was going to be up next, but he didn't want to upset whoever it was. So he moved Cas to the side and stood up as quickly as he could.

“Dean?” That was Jimmy’s tone. 

“Hey, man. You ok?” Dean’s voice was a little shaky. Jimmy was looking down at his lap where there was a very obvious bulge.

“What…?” He looked up at Dean with confusion written all over his face. Dean looked at the carpet and rubbed the back of his neck.

“Cas, um, got a little friendly.” Dean still couldn't look at him.

“Oh, Dean. I’m so sorry.” He stood up abruptly and rushed into his room. The door slammed.

“Jimmy, its ok.” Dean stood by his door. He didn't want Jimmy to beat himself up over this. Especially since he didn't exactly mind. “Come on man. Its no big deal.” But he didn't answer. After a few more knocks and pleas Dean gave up and went to his own room.

Jimmy was distant for a long time after that. He spent more time in his room and picked up more sessions with his therapist. When they were home together his alters came out more often. Dean felt terrible because it meant that Jimmy was regressing and he felt like it was his fault. Dean tried to talk to him, but Jimmy kept to his room. The others didn't.


	4. The Others

Cas was around the most. He would find reasons to get in Dean’s personal space. He would suddenly be thirsty whenever Dean was in their tiny kitchen, or he would stack laundry at one end of the couch, so that he had to sit in the middle near Dean. Dean tried to keep his distance though. He didn't want to hurt Jimmy. After the panic Dean had seen when Jimmy realized what Cas had done, Dean knew he wouldn’t be happy if there was a repeat incident. It wasn't easy though. The more Dean thought about that kiss the more he wanted it to happen again. And not just with Cas. He began to realize how much he cared about every part of Jimmy. Dean spent more and more time thinking about what made each of them unique, and the little things that helped him tell them apart. He had always wondered how parents with identical twins could tell the difference. Then he’d met Jimmy, and he’d started to figure it out.

Cas was easygoing and relaxed. And Dean knew he had a wicked mouth that he found his eyes drawn to over and over. Cas generally slouched when he sat, but not in a self-conscious way. It was more like he melted into the furniture. His eyes were half-lidded and he had an easy smile, like warmed honey. His voice was lower than Jimmy’s and Dean found himself becoming addicted to the sound and the shivers it sent down his spine. That, combined with Cas’ tendency to get as close as possible, was the cause of a good number of Dean’s rather frequent cold showers.

Castiel was curious about everything. He liked to just sit with Dean and talk for hours. Whenever Dean said anything he found odd or confusing Castiel tilted his head in a way that was ridiculously endearing. Like Cas, Castiel’s voice was deep and gravelly, but the tone was always inquisitive instead of seductive. Where Cas’ eyes were half-lidded, Castiel’s were always wide open so that he could take in everything around him. His posture was always straight and alert, as if something new and interesting would happen at any moment. Cas made Dean’s blood boil, Castiel brought out Dean’s sense of discovery and wonder.

Emanuel was amazingly thoughtful. He always checked how Dean’s day had gone, what he would prefer for dinner and if he needed anything before they went to their separate rooms for the night. Whenever Emanuel emerged he would almost immediately start smoothing down the messy, black hair on his head. He liked to be neat and respectable. Emanuel was the reason that there was a section in Jimmy’s closet for warm sweaters and polo shirts in neutral colors. Unlike Castiel, Emanuel smiled most of the time. But it was a gentle, almost shy smile. His voice was soft and sweet and his eyes were always warm. Emanuel brought out a gentler side of Dean that he had no clue he even had. 

Godric was a little tougher to get along with. He always had to be right. But even that part of him was special to Dean. It reminded him of riding around in the Impala with Sammy arguing about radio stations and the best burgers in town. Godric’s lips were often set in a severe line and his eyes were hard. His voice wasn't as low as Cas or Castiel, but it was firm and commanding. Godric got Dean’s blood boiling in a completely different way than Cas. They argued most of the time and by the end of a conversation with Godric, Dean would be breathing heavy and clenching his fists to keep from punching something. As frustrating as it was it made Dean feel alive like he hadn't in a really long time. 

Levi loved to cause trouble. He smiled all the time as well, but it was nothing like Emanuel’s gentle expression. He had a grin and a glint in his eye that was almost manic when he had some plan for the weekend, or if they were about to eat something particularly unhealthy. Levi really loved to eat. Dean didn't drink anymore, but that didn't stop Levi from finding ways for them to act like drunken frat boys. Nights spent hanging out with Levi ended with a stitch in Dean’s side from laughing, and once or twice running from the cops. Levi made Dean feel like a carefree kid. Like there was nothing dark in the world and any problem could be solved with a little daring and mayhem. And maybe some really good pizza.

And of course there was Jimmy. All of them were a part of him. But when he was just Jimmy he was vulnerable, reserved and he tugged at Dean’s protective nature. It used to be Sammy that he looked out for, but Sammy was gone. In his own way, Jimmy had become just as important to Dean. And having him locked away in his room, avoiding him, frankly sucked. Dean missed his best friend. He figured those stupid sayings became popular for a reason. Absence made the heart grow fonder. Well he was sick of the absence. After a few months of spending time with everyone but Jimmy, Dean decided it was time to take action. He may never use the L word, but he knew what he wanted, and Dean Winchester went after what he wanted. Of course, then he had to figure out how to make six different people fall for him. But he’s a stubborn son of a bitch, and a hell of a catch if he did say so himself, so he wasn't too worried about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The idea of Castiel having multiple personalities is what started this whole thing. I hope you've enjoyed it so far. Here's a breakdown of how I decided on the alters. I would love to know what you think.
> 
> Jimmy - Jimmy Novak. He lost his family when he said yes to Castiel, so that's what I chose to portray here.  
> Castiel - This is Castiel the angel. Always curious about human nature, and often confused.  
> Cas - 2014!Cas. What he was like when he became human in the future shown by Zachariah  
> Emanuel - This is Castiel when he returned with no memories and was discovered healing people.  
> Levi - Leviathan possessed Castiel. I didn't want to make him evil so I chose to focus on their first appearance when they said "This is going to be so much fun." And of course I had to throw in their eating habits.  
> Godric - Castiel as God. After absorbing all the souls Castiel was so sure he was doing the right thing. So I made Godric severe and argumentative.


	5. Winning Them Over

Cas was easy to win over, obviously. He was the one who had started this whole thing in the first place. Still, Dean never let things get too far. He still couldn't shake Jimmy’s initial reaction. But, instead of moving away he started allowing himself to enjoy when Cas got right up in his space while they watched TV. He’d let his arm rest on Cas’ shoulders on the back of the couch. Cas kept trying to pick up where they had left off, but Dean could usually slow him down with a severe look and a “Not yet, Cas.” It wasn't easy and he took even more cold showers. But he didn't want to screw this up. 

In the times between alters he kept trying to chip away at Jimmy’s cold shoulder. He started just walking right into Jimmy’s room, sitting on his bed and talking. Not about anything important. Just talking. He would try to ignore Dean, not sit too close. But they had become friends for a reason. Jimmy liked being around Dean. And why wouldn't he? Dean was awesome. So he kept talking. Dean walked with him to his sessions. Bought his favorite burgers and would guilt him into coming out to eat in the main room. They watched movies and since Cas had left the laundry at the end of the couch, Jimmy had to sit next to him. Dean would shift just a little so that their legs touched and would just keep right on talking. For awhile it would trigger a switch to an alter. Whenever Dean got too close Jimmy panicked and retreated. Dean didn't take it personally, though. He would just switch up his game and work on winning over whoever popped up. It was like a decathlon in dating. It kept him on his toes.

Spending time with Levi was like trying to date a hyperactive teenager. He always wanted to be doing something, or eating something. Usually something they weren't supposed to be doing or really shouldn't be eating. They would sneak into movies, checked out abandoned buildings, and on several occasions Dean stopped him from shoplifting. He was all for causing trouble, but even he drew the line somewhere. Getting physically close to Levi was like dealing with a teenager, too. They’d get home laughing and feeling great, and that would somehow turn into a wrestling match. Levi really got a kick out of getting Dean pinned. His eyes always lit up when he thought he’d gotten the upper hand on the larger man. And Dean certainly wasn't going to complain about Levi’s firm grip holding his wrists down and his knees trapping Dean’s thighs. 

Things with Emanuel were much more gentle. In the early stages of Dean’s “win over all of Jimmy” plan he’d asked Emanuel if he wanted to start volunteering with him at the local soup kitchen. He gave Dean a look like he had just granted his every wish. So whenever Emanuel was around they went to see what help they could offer. When the soup kitchen didn't need them they visited the folks at the nursing home and went down to read in the pediatrics ward at the hospital. Whenever they would leave Emanuel would smile like an angel, and Dean would reach for his hand. Emanuel let him take it and they would head home for a quiet evening together.

Castiel loved to watch documentaries and read books. So Dean started picking up things he thought Castiel would find interesting at the used bookstore or thrift shop. For some reason he also loved to watch Dean work on the cars at the scrapyard. He couldn't fix anything to save his life, but he found it fascinating. And he loved talking to Uncle Bobby. Castiel liked to learn about people, and Bobby had led a fairly interesting life. It became somewhat common for Castiel to take the bus over to the scrapyard to visit and when they drove home he would tell Dean about the book he was reading or the film he had just watched. While he talked, Dean would slowly reach over and take his hand where it rested on the seat. Castiel would pause in what he was saying and tilt his head in that endearing way of his. Dean would just smile and gesture for him to continue speaking.

Godric was the most difficult. He was as stubborn as Levi was mischievous, or Emanuel was gentle. Whatever Dean wanted to watch, he wanted to watch something else. If Dean wanted steak for dinner, he wanted chicken. If Dean mentioned an opinion he had about some news article he had read, Godric would point out all the reasons he was wrong. At first Dean thought he wanted to be right. So he just kept agreeing with him. But that didn't seem to be getting him anywhere. Godric would just get more annoyed and frustrated. It took Dean a few weeks to figure out that what he wanted was for someone to challenge him. So they argued. About anything and everything. They would yell and stomp and slam their fists on the table. And when the disagreement was over, whether Godric had won or Dean had, Godric would have a satisfied smirk on his face. Dean would grab him a soda and they’d sit down to watch whatever Godric wanted. Dean would just plunk himself right down next to him, close enough that their arms were pressed together.

It took months. And a whole lot of cold showers. Not to mention that Dean had taken to playing the radio in his room at night to cover any noises he couldn't muffle with his pillow. It was a really frustrating few months, but he knew it was going to be worth it. Dean could tell it was paying off because Jimmy hung around more and more. He spent less time in his room and he started cutting back on the extra session he had picked up. He was re-acclimating himself to Dean’s constant presence. Dean had made a lot of progress with all the others, but this was going to be the most important part of the plan.


	6. I'd Like to Try

Emanuel had finally put away the laundry that the others pretty much refused to, so the couch was clear again. Jimmy sat at the opposite end while they watched a movie. There was a bowl of popcorn on the cushion between them. Dean turned to Jimmy and noticed his empty drink. 

“Refill?” Jimmy looked over and smiled his old, easy smile. The one that it had taken months on the ward to uncover.

“Sure, Dean. Thanks.” Dean grabbed the empty and came back from the kitchen with a new one. After handing it over he picked up the popcorn bowl and sat down right next to Jimmy with the bowl in his lap. Their legs were touching from hip to knee and he heard Jimmy take a sharp breath.

“Um, Dean…” His voice was a little more hesitant than normal. Almost like Emanuel’s, but not quite. Dean just grinned over at him and ate some more of the popcorn.

“Yeah, Jimmy?” He mumbled through a full mouth. Jimmy looked at their legs touching, but for the first time, stayed firmly inside his own head. 

“Uh, nothing, I guess.” He looked back at the screen and remained quiet for quite awhile. Dean stayed calm on the outside, but inside he was doing a victory dance. As the movie went on Dean shifted ever so slightly until not only their legs were touching, but also their arms from shoulder to elbow. Jimmy would tense at each little shift, but Dean was determined. Every time he felt Jimmy’s breathing return to normal he would shift a bit more. He even pulled out the old yawn and stretch move to settle his arm along the back of the couch, just barely touching the other man’s shoulders. He held his breath to see if Jimmy was going to disappear, but his luck held. Dean couldn't help the grin that plastered itself to his face. As the minutes passed by his grin relaxed into a content smile as he felt the tension begin to leave Jimmy’s shoulders. The movie finally ended and Dean hit the power button on the remote, but stayed exactly where he was. 

“Uh… Dean?” The hesitant edge was back. Dean turned his head to face Jimmy without removing his arm. He moved the now empty popcorn bowl to the empty cushion on his other side.

“What’s up?” He did his best to keep a calm and reassuring smile even though his pulse was starting to pick up. He really, really didn't want to screw this up. 

“What are you doing?” The question was almost a whisper.

“I’m sitting on our couch, relaxing on a Friday night, enjoying spending time with my best friend.” Dean kept his tone light and conversational.

“Dean, I know I’m not always the best with understanding relationships but I’m pretty sure that friends don’t sit quite this close.” He locked gazes with Dean, a small frown line forming between his eyes. For a moment Dean worried Castiel had come out without him noticing, but the look in his eyes was more haunted than confused.

“Sometimes they do.” Dean kept smiling and squeezed the other man’s shoulder gently. “But you know that all you have to do is tell me to back off, and I will. Do you want me to back off?” He quirked an eyebrow in question.

“Umm…” Jimmy stared down at his lap where he was wringing his hands in agitation. It was an old habit that had all but disappeared since he had been released from the hospital. Dean hated to see it return.

“Listen,” Dean reached over with his free hand and stilled Jimmy’s restless ones. “You’re the best friend I've ever had. You should know by now I would do anything for you, and nothing you say now is gonna change that. So if you tell me that you’re not interested, I’ll back off, never mention it again. Everything will go back just the way it was.” He squeezed the hands under his reassuringly. “But if you wanted more, well,” he gave a little chuckle “that would be pretty awesome.”

“It’s just… after Amelia,” his breath was speeding up “and Claire...” Dean could tell Jimmy was heading towards a possible shift, trying to hide from the pain, but he didn't want to have to start this conversation all over again so he turned sideways and placed both hands firmly on Jimmy’s shoulders.

“Hey, man. Don’t disappear on me now. Talk to me. I’m here for you. No matter what.” Dean squeezed tightly with both hands trying to help the fragile man stay anchored. Jimmy took a deep, shuddering breath and continued. 

“I am broken, Dean. How could you possibly be interested in that kind of relationship with me?” He looked close to tears as he searched Dean’s face. 

“You’re not broken.” Dean’s voice came out a little harsher than he intended. He took a deep breath and continued in a calmer tone. “So you have a few quirks? So what? Everyone does. I sure as hell do. So your quirks happen to have their own names?” Dean laughed lightly and moved his hand to trace the line of Jimmy’s collar. “I like them just fine. And if you could ask them, you’d know they like me, too.” Dean knew he was skating a thin line. They didn't talk much about his alters, but he needed Jimmy to understand that he accepted every side of him.

“I’m not just some harmless eccentric. There are things that are seriously wrong with me that years of therapy are never going to fix.” He sounded almost angry. “You can’t act as if its no big deal. I don’t collect odd things or wear strange clothes. I am completely different people at different times. How can you act like that's nothing?” He was starting to shake and Dean rushed to reassure him. 

“Hey, hey. Its ok.” He rubbed his hands over the other man’s upper arms in a soothing gesture. “I know its not a small thing. What you went through, are going through, I know how big it is. But it doesn't scare me.” He moved his hands down to twine his fingers through Jimmy’s clenched ones, forcing them to still. “I care about you. So if being in a relationship with you takes a little extra work, then that's OK. I’m not looking for easy or simple. Just you, and whatever, or whoever, that means.” Jimmy had been staring at their joined hands, but Dean released one to guide Jimmy’s chin up so that they were eye to eye. “Do you trust me?”

“Of course I do. You've always taken care of me.” He smiled ever so slightly, a wet shine in his blue eyes. 

“Then trust me on this.” He leaned forward and pressed his lips ever so gently to the ones in front of him. Jimmy let out a tiny, broken sound before returning the gesture. Reluctantly, Dean pulled back before they got too much further. He kept his forehead resting against the other man’s. “We’ll take things slow. You’re not some spur of the moment fling. I know there hasn't been anyone since Amelia. I know how much she meant to you, and I’m not trying to replace her. But if you wanna give it a shot, I think this could work.” Dean had been thinking about this conversation for weeks, so for once the words came easy.

“I think…” Jimmy took a deep breath and stared directly into hopeful green eyes, “I think I would like to try.”

“Ok then.” Dean’s smile was contagious and Jimmy found himself responding to it. “Awesome.” Dean said before leaning in for a slightly deeper kiss. Jimmy’s arms wrapped around his shoulders and as he felt gentle fingers start to trace patterns in his hair, Dean pulled back with a shaky breath. “Right. Like I said. Slow.” He smiled warmly before pulling away completely. “I want this to be just right. So, I’m gonna go take a cold shower. You’re going to get some sleep. Tomorrow is Saturday and Bobby doesn't need me so we’re going to spend the day together doing whatever you want.” He stood up and leaned down for a last, lingering press of lips. “Right. Shower.” He walked away to the soft sound of Jimmy’s hesitant laughter. Dean thought it might be the best thing he’d ever heard.


	7. Breakfast Together

When Dean woke up the next morning his stomach was a mess and he felt light headed. He was more nervous than he’d been in years. He’d gotten to the point with the others that they’d grown used to his casual touches and physical proximity. Even Godric had taken to putting his arm around Dean’s shoulders when they were together. (Of course Godric had to be the one controlling things so there was an almost possessive feel to his grip.) But today was something new, and so very important.

Dean dressed quickly in jeans, a plain black t-shirt and the dark gray flannel Jimmy had bought him for his birthday. After taking a few steadying breaths he walked over and knocked on Jimmy’s door. 

“Rise and shine, man. Today is your day and we can do anything you want.” Dean held his breath while he waited for the door to open. He was terrified that Jimmy would be having second thoughts and he would instead be greeted with an alter. As much as he loved spending time with each of them, this was supposed to be about building his relationship with Jimmy. 

“Good morning, Dean.” The tone and soft smile were close to Emanuel’s. But the hair was messy as ever and he was wearing an old, worn t-shirt instead of a sweater or neat polo. There was also a hesitance that Emanuel hadn't shown around Dean in awhile. 

“Morning, Jimmy.” Dean’s grin was so wide his cheeks were starting to hurt. “What do you want to do today?” He was practically bouncing on his feet while he waited for Jimmy to respond. 

“I thought it might be nice if I made us breakfast and we went for a walk.” He was still smiling slightly and Dean nodded immediately. 

“Sure, but I should be making you breakfast, or I can take you out.” Jimmy was shaking his head.

“No, thank you. I like cooking for you. And there’s no need to waste money when we have everything we need for pancakes.” Dean knew that Jimmy worked really hard to be useful, and always tried to avoid spending any money. He hated feeling like a burden. Dean was going to push the matter, but he wanted Jimmy to be comfortable. So, he agreed.

“Alright, sure. You know I can’t say no to your pancakes.” He grinned and just took a moment to enjoy the sight of Jimmy’s easy smile. But after a few moments Jimmy cleared his throat a little awkwardly.

“You have to move so I can get out of my room.” He had an amused glint in his eye.

“Oh, right.” Dean chuckled a little at himself and moved back, but not much. He left just enough space so that Jimmy would have to brush against him as he walked by. Jimmy rolled his eyes and headed for the kitchen, his arm lightly connecting with Dean’s chest. Dean followed him grinning from ear to ear. 

Normally, Jimmy would work by himself in their tiny kitchen and bring the food out to the living room. But Dean had other ideas. Their counter had just enough space for preparing a meal and a draining rack for the dishes. Dean squeezed past Jimmy where he was taking things out of the fridge and put the draining rack away under the sink. Emanuel had put away all the dishes the day before. After the rack was stowed he hopped up and sat on the counter watching Jimmy put the cold ingredients out. Jimmy looked up at him with an almost exasperated expression.

“Dean, what are you doing?” He asked.

“I’m watching you make pancakes. Maybe I can help.” He offered his most innocent smile.

“Cooking doesn't often go well for you. Do you remember the bacon incident?” Dean’s smile turned a little sheepish as he looked over to the scorch marks above the stove. 

“Hey, it was only a small fire.” He protested.

“Right. But there were still flames. And you’re in my way. I need to get to that cabinet.” He pointed behind Dean’s head. 

“Oh, let me move then.” Dean did not get up, however. He moved to the side just enough to get the cabinet door open and make it possible to reach the items inside. “Grab what you need.” His “innocent” smile was back in full force. Jimmy stared at him for a moment before taking a deep breath and rolling his eyes again. He reached forward to grab the flour, baking powder and sugar. As he gathered what he needed his arm brushed Dean’s shoulder and his torso pressed into Dean’s leg. Dean just kept right on smiling while Jimmy shook his head. 

“Could you at least grab me the measuring cup and mixing bowl out of the next cabinet?” Dean shifted around a bit on the counter so he could reach behind him into the other door and get what he had been asked for. He handed them over and was sure to brush Jimmy’s fingers with his own.

“Need anything else?” His tone was light, but inside his heart was going a mile a minute. 

“Not at the moment.” Jimmy smiled his small smile again and began adding ingredients to the bowl. Dean had never spent much time watching the other man cook, but he was paying close attention now. Jimmy usually had an anxious air about him, but while he measured and stirred it seemed to vanish. Dean was fascinated by the sure and efficient movements of the other man’s hands. He startled a little when he heard a small sound from Jimmy as he worked. Dean realized after a few notes that Jimmy was humming a tune. Dean was filled with an almost overwhelming affection as the humming continued. 

“Do you always hum while you cook?” He was watching Jimmy’s expression closely, so he caught it when his eyes darkened.

“I used to. Before…” He didn't need to finish the thought. “But I haven’t in a long time.” He smiled a little sadly. “I really hadn't noticed that I’d started again.” His hands had stilled while he talked to Dean but he returned to his preparations.

“I like it. What’s the song?” Dean almost panicked when he saw Jimmy’s expression darken further. 

“It’s a lullaby that Amelia sang to Claire as a baby.” His posture was stiff and his hands were clenching the edge of the counter. He was taking deep steadying breaths. Dean could practically hear him counting in his head. It was a coping mechanism his therapist had suggested. Count through the pain rather than run from it and cause an alter to surface. 

“Oh.” Dean reached over and placed a hand on Jimmy’s shoulder. “I’m sorry I asked.” The muscles under his hand were tense. “Hey, come here.” He used his hand to guide the other man closer. Due to his position on the counter, Jimmy’s eyes were level with his chest. He wrapped both arms around the shorter man’s shoulders and pulled him close. Dean bent forward so that he was sheltering Jimmy with his arms and shoulders. “Its OK to miss them. Just don’t let it ruin the good memories.” He leaned his head against the messy black hair.

“I’ll try.” Jimmy let out a shaky breath and leaned into the comforting embrace. Slowly, almost like he was struggling with the decision, he moved his arms up to wrap around Dean’s waist. They stayed wrapped together while Dean gently rubbed circles on Jimmy’s back. After a few minutes Jimmy took a deep steadying breath and moved away, almost as reluctantly as he had first moved into the embrace. 

“Right, pancakes.” Jimmy said. Dean pretended not to see the redness of the other man’s eyes and completely ignored the small wet patch on his t-shirt. 

“How can I help?” Dean asked.

“Could you go in the drawer and grab me the spatula?” Jimmy gestured to the spot directly below where Dean was sitting, his legs completely blocking the drawer. Dean got a mischievous glint in his eye and spread his legs so he could get the drawer open, one leg on either side.

“Not sure which one you want, so you should probably get it.” He grinned unashamedly. Jimmy was just setting a pan on the stove when he looked over at Dean and the open drawer. He took in Dean’s position perched at the edge of the counter, legs spread around the drawer, denim clad thighs partially obscuring the contents.

“Really?” He made eye-contact with Dean’s smiling face and tried to pretend that his breathing hadn't sped up just a little. 

“Yeah, man. There are like three different ones. How the hell am I supposed to know which is the right one for pancakes? You know I can’t cook.” He just continued smiling innocently. Jimmy shook his head and reached between Dean’s knees to grab the right one but, before he could step back Dean had leaned forward and pressed a quick kiss on his lips. Dean pulled back quickly, not wanting to push his luck too much. 

“For future reference, this is the right one.” Jimmy held up the one he had grabbed and tried to suppress his fond smile and racing heart. 

“Got it. I’ll know for next time.” Dean grinned,shut the drawer and went back to watching Jimmy make their breakfast. They fell into a companionable silence while Jimmy worked. When the food was ready Dean got the plates and utensils. He decided to just grab them himself rather than making Jimmy reach around him again. 

They went to the couch with their plates and Dean sat right in the middle. Jimmy paused for a moment before sitting in his normal spot. Dean’s leg was warm and solid where it connected with his own. After a few heartbeats he began eating, Dean having already dug in. After another few tense moments he made himself relax more fully. He really did care about Dean. And having him close was much more comforting than he realized it could be. The places where they touched felt like an anchor holding him steady. 

“These are great.” The words were slightly muffled through Dean’s full mouth, but it made Jimmy smile.

“Thanks. Though your table manners could use some work.” He shook his head fondly.

“Well, I figure we don’t have a table, I don’t need manners.” Jimmy laughed outright at that in between bites. Dean turned his head to smile warmly at the other man. “I think that’s my favorite sound ever.”

“Huh?” Jimmy had been slightly distracted by the intense green of Dean’s eyes, and he wasn't sure he comprehended what Dean was saying.

“You laughing. I decided its my favorite sound.” Dean’s expression was almost painfully sincere. Jimmy cleared his throat and refused to believe that he was blushing. He was a grown man after all. He tried to change the subject by pointing out that Dean had syrup on his lower lip. 

“Uh...right..” He took a quick breath “Not only are your manners lacking but you are a messy eater. You have syrup all over your lip.” Dean reached up and touched the sticky spot on his mouth. 

“Guess I do. Hmm.” He feigned looking around for something. “I forgot napkins so I guess you’ll just have to help me.” He leaned forward.

“Huh?” Was all Jimmy had time to get out before there was a set of sticky lips pressed to his own. He froze for several long moments. Dean was just beginning to pull back when Jimmy let his tongue dart out to quickly swipe the sweetness from the other man’s mouth. Dean pulled away with a low groan. He grabbed both of their plates and placed them on the floor. 

“I've had enough to eat.” He grabbed the sides of Jimmy’s face with both hands and pulled him in for a deeper kiss. Jimmy’s hesitation was much shorter this time. He shifted sideways a bit so that he was facing Dean more fully and placed his hands on the taller man’s sides. As soon as his fingers connected Dean shuddered slightly and pulled Jimmy in tighter. They continued shifting by small measures until Dean had Jimmy pinned against the arm of the couch and they were nearly breathless. Dean finally pulled back panting and let his head fall to Jimmy’s shoulder.


	8. Not a Walk in the Park

“So. A walk right?” His voice was husky as he tried to get his breathing under control. 

“We don’t have to.” Jimmy’s voice sounded closer to Cas’ deep purr as he tried to regain his composure.

“Sure we do.” Dean was finally sitting up and pulling back to look at Jimmy. “That’s what you wanted to do, so that’s what we’re gonna do.” His voice was slowly returning to normal. “Where did you want to walk?”

“I had thought…” But he shook his head. “No it’s not important. Let’s just stay here.” He was clutching onto Dean’s waist, fingertips digging in. Dean could tell it wasn't desire. Jimmy was anxious.

“What’s wrong?” Dean ran his fingers through Jimmy’s hair, smoothing out some of the places he had messed up.

“I thought…” Jimmy took a steadying breath before looking directly into Dean’s eyes. “I thought it would be good for you to meet Amelia and Claire.” He couldn't maintain the eye contact any longer and his eyes dropped to where he had started wringing his hands together between them.

“What do you mean?” Dean’s tone was wary.

“I missed their funerals because I was in the hospital. And I've been too much of a coward to visit their graves. But I thought,” … he paused and looked up at Dean again. “Well, I thought if you were with me, I might be strong enough.” He took another breath like he was going to continue so Dean just stayed quiet, moving his hands to hold the fidgeting ones in front of him. “And I know they aren't really there, but I want to introduce you to them. They were the most important people in my life. But now…” his words were quiet as he finished. “Well, now you are. And I would like it if you met them.” Dean pulled Jimmy close and just held him tightly.

“Then that's what I want, too.” He was only whispering because they were so close. It had nothing to do with how his throat was closing up and his eyes were starting to sting. 

Dean was surprised to find that the cemetery was less than a mile from their apartment. Jimmy hadn't been able to think about his wife and daughter buried beneath tons of earth, so he could never bring himself to visit. But he wanted to be able to move forward with his life. Dean had given him a reason to believe that life could be good again. For a long time after their deaths Jimmy woke up every morning simply because he was too much of a coward to end his own life. Now he woke up with thoughts of how he and Dean would spend their day. A significant part of him felt guilty that he was letting someone else into his life. But that part was shrinking every day and being replaced by his affection for the man who had begun to lead him out of the dark.

As they walked towards the cemetery they each kept their hands in their pockets. Dean was practically itching to reach out and hold onto Jimmy, but he was being extra careful. All of the others may have been comfortable with hand holding at that point, but it was new to Jimmy and his emotions were already fragile. The weather was perfect for a late morning walk. A light breeze and not a cloud in the sky. Under normal circumstances they would have been chatting and teasing each other and making plans for the week. Instead, the closer they got to their destination the more Jimmy’s shoulders hunched and his pace slowed. Dean kept a worried eye on him as they walked. When they finally reached the gates of the cemetery Jimmy stopped just outside.

“Are you okay, man?” Dean rested a hand on his friend’s shoulder and squeezed gently.

“I don’t know what I was thinking. I can’t do this.” His eyes were red-rimmed and there was a wetness threatening to escape. “Let’s just go back home.”

“If that’s what you really want that’s what we’ll do.” Dean placed his free hand on Jimmy’s other shoulder so that they were standing face to face. “But you have to do this sooner or later. I’m here for you, and I’m not going anywhere. You made it all the way here, are you sure you can’t make it a little further?” While he was talking Jimmy’s eyes had dropped to the sidewalk.

“I just…” He took a deep breath. “I don’t think I’m strong enough.”

“Of course you are. You’re doing awesome. I know you can do this, and I’ll be by your side the whole time.” Dean moved one hand to Jimmy’s chin so he could tilt his face up and look him in the eyes. “And I want to meet them, too.”

“I can’t.” Jimmy pulled his chin free of Dean’s grasp and stared back at the ground, cheek flushing with embarrassment at his own weakness. “I’m sorry.” Dean could just see the first tear fall off Jimmy’s chin.

“Hey, its okay. We can try again.” He pulled the smaller man close to him and wrapped his arms tightly around his shoulders. “Let’s head back.” Jimmy nodded sullenly against Dean’s shoulder. Dean squeezed a little tighter before letting go and stepping back. As they walked away from the gates Dean took Jimmy’s hand and held it tightly. They were silent almost the entire way back, but Dean never loosened his grip. When they were nearly back to the apartment Dean broke the silence.

“I am so proud of you, you know that?” He smiled over at his friend.

“How could you be? I couldn't even make it through the gates.” Jimmy sounded angry with himself.

“But you’re still you.” Dean pulled them to a stop in front of their building, right next to the parked Impala. “You got closer to them than you've been since it happened and you held onto yourself. That’s amazing.” Dean’s smile was genuine and warm. Jimmy let out a humorless laugh.

“Some achievement. I managed to go for a walk, cry and run away like a coward. Sure is great to still be me.” He shook his head and kept staring at his shoes. 

“Hey. I happen to like you. Are you questioning my taste?” Dean put on his best stern glare. Jimmy glanced up and smiled a little at Dean’s “serious” face. 

“I think you might need to re-evaluate this time.” The smile was very short lived.

“Nope.” Dean said brightly. “I’m always right. I have excellent taste in everything. Movies, cars, music, burgers and people. So you’re just going to have to accept that I’m right. You’re awesome.”

“If you say so, Dean.” Jimmy still sounded miserable but at least his tears had dried. Dean leaned against the Impala and pulled Jimmy gently by the hands so that they were standing very close together. Jimmy tensed briefly, but relaxed against Dean after a few seconds, accepting comfort where it was offered.

“I do say so.” He let his hands rest gently on Jimmy’s hips. “Did you have anything else you wanted to do today, or could I make a suggestion?”

“Since my idea failed so spectacularly you are more than welcome to take over as activity planner.” Jimmy’s voice was getting stronger and less choked as the minutes passed. 

“Okay. Then let’s go.” Dean pushed them away from the car and reached down to open the passenger door so Jimmy could get in. Once he was safely inside Dean climbed into the driver’s seat and started his baby up.


	9. Meet the Family

“Where are we going?” Jimmy asked. Dean looked anxious, but pulled out of the spot and merged into traffic. His voice was less than confident when he answered. 

“You’ll see.” He kept his eyes on the road and Jimmy thought his knuckles looked white where he gripped the wheel. They drove on in silence for twenty minutes. Dean seemed too distracted to speak and Jimmy was still too disappointed in his own weakness. Finally, they turned into the gates of a different cemetery on the other side of town. Jimmy looked quizzically at Dean as they pulled off under the shade of an old oak and Dean turned off the engine. 

“Dean?” Jimmy thought he knew where they were, simply based on the tight angles of Dean’s shoulders. Dean turned in his seat and smiled, though it wasn't quite the happy expression it was meant to be. 

“You wanted to introduce me to your family.” His smile got a little warmer as he talked. “Well, I want you to meet mine, too.”

“I’m honored, but you don’t have to do this.” For the first time since this whole thing started, Jimmy was the one who reached over and grabbed Dean’s hand.

“I know I don’t.” He was smiling down at where their hands were wrapped together. When he looked back up his eyes were full of affection. “But I want to. And I don’t want you to think this makes me stronger than you. Because I’m not. I've been here to see them before. And it was just as hard for me the first time. But just like you said, they were the most important people in my life. Well, now that's you. So, if its okay with you, I want you to meet them.”

“Of course. I’d love to meet Sam and John.” Dean let out a relieved breath.

“Great. Let’s go.” He released Jimmy’s hand and stepped out of the car. Jimmy followed suit and met Dean at the side of the path. For the second time in a very short period, Jimmy reached for the other man’s hand. Dean figured that if all they accomplished today was Jimmy being more comfortable with physical contact, then the whole thing would be worth it. 

Dean led the way past rows of fading gravestones until they reached three that were side by side in the shade of a large elm tree. Jimmy read the names and looked over at Dean.

“I didn't know your mother was here, too.” He squeezed Dean’s hand a little tighter.

“Yeah. There was no way the old man would be okay with spending eternity without her. Uncle Bobby took care of most of the arrangements. I wasn't really fit to be planning anything right after it happened. I’m surprised he still puts up with me after all the trouble I put him through.” Dean smiled fondly thinking of the normally cranky old man.

“You were grieving. I’m sure he understood.” Jimmy said.

“Well, I guess its a good thing he did. I’d be dead without him.” Dean stated as a matter of fact.

“I’ll have to remember to thank him then. Because without you, I’d still be where you found me.” Jimmy stared into Dean’s eyes for a long moment. The gratitude was a bit too much for Dean to handle. He cleared his throat awkwardly and looked away

“Right, well. This is them.” He let go of Jimmy’s hand so that he could wrap his arm around the shorter man’s shoulders. “Mom, Dad, Sammy. This is Jimmy.” He used his free hand to point at Jimmy and then made a sweeping gesture towards the three gravestones. “Jimmy, this is my family.” 

“It’s nice to meet you.” Jimmy said quietly as he leaned further into Dean’s side. “Dean has been very kind to me. I know you would be extremely proud of him.”

“Ah, Jimmy’s just saying that because I kill all the spiders in the apartment.” Dean never had been very good with any sort of praise. Jimmy knew that, so he played along.

“That’s true. I've never been comfortable with spiders. I would've moved out after seeing the first one if it wasn't for him.” Jimmy smiled up at Dean who was grinning back.


	10. Touchy Feely Crap

“How about that walk?” Dean said after a few minutes of comforting silence. He gestured to the headstones. “These guys aren't going anywhere and its a nice day. There’s a pond over at the other end of the cemetery with a nice path. We can stop back to say goodbye on our way out.”

“That sounds great. Lead the way.” Jimmy expected Dean to remove his arm, but Dean kept it looped around Jimmy’s shoulders and guided them between the headstones. Jimmy noticed how Dean’s hand trailed across the top of Sam’s stone as they passed. At first Jimmy was a little tense where Dean’s arm was wrapped around his shoulders, but the longer they walked together the more he relaxed. They talked the whole time. About how nice the trees looked, the interesting or funny names that they saw on the stones they passed. They speculated about the lives some of the people may have lived based on their birth and death years. Dean talked about an old Buick that he was having trouble finding parts for and Jimmy told Dean that he’d been asked by the hospital if he would like to work part time in the gift shop. 

“Really?” Dean pulled them to a stop by the quiet pond so he could look directly at Jimmy’s face. “Jimmy, that's great! What does your doctor think?”

“He thinks it’d be good for me.” Jimmy smiled at the genuine excitement on Dean’s face. “I've been doing much better since my...ahem...setback.” He looked away as his face heated.

“About that.” There was a bench under a tree just a few steps away. Dean pulled Jimmy over to sit before he continued. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but I really do want this to work. Normally I ‘m fine just shoving things away and dealing with them later, or not at all. But you’re too important to me to let my stupid avoidance issues screw this up.” He laced their fingers together where they rested on the bench. “So, can you tell me why what Cas did caused such a setback?”

“Umm…” Jimmy stared at the ground trying to process his thoughts. “It’s a combination of a few things I guess.” He fell silent and showed no signs that he was going to elaborate.

“Okay. Like what? I don’t want to do something that hurts you just because I was too chicken to ask about this stuff.” Dean was completely sincere and it helped Jimmy to relax.

“I think it was fear mostly, and guilt.” He keeps his eyes glued to the grass as he speaks. “I felt guilty that part of me wanted that. I felt like I was betraying Amelia. What would she and Claire think if they could see me? I felt helpless that I, well Cas, was able to do something like that because I can’t control my own brain.” Now that he was on a roll he kept talking, and Dean just listened, gripping his hand tightly for support. “I was afraid of how you would react. You’d given no indication that you felt that way about me. For all I knew you’d be disgusted and would want me to leave. I was terrified of what would happen if you did want to get involved. What if it was only a fling for you? What would happen if things didn't work out? I was scared of my own feelings and how that would translate to the others. What if one of them did something terrible and you wanted nothing to do with me? How would I survive if I didn't have you? What if something happened to you and I lost you like I lost them? I don’t think I could live through that twice. I can still see Claire in her bedroom and I started having nightmares of coming home to find you on the floor...” His voice was starting to get panicked and his fingers were trembling where Dean held them.

“Hey, hey, hey.” Dean used the hand he was holding to pull Jimmy into his chest and then wrapped his arms around the shaking shoulders. “It’s okay. Shh. Take a deep breath.” He held on tight until the tremors lessened and Jimmy’s breathing started to even back out. “You still with me?”

“Yeah, Dean. Its still me.” Jimmy’s voice was very quiet, but it was unmistakably still Jimmy. 

“Good.” He pulled back and wiped away a stray tear that had managed to escape Jimmy’s eye. He left his hand resting against the other man’s cheek. “I’m sorry you had to go through all of that alone. I know you had your doctor, but I would've liked to help, too. If you’d just asked I could've told you not to worry about how I’d react or how I felt about you.”

“I’m starting to understand that.” Jimmy reached up and covered Dean’s hand with his own, where it still rested on his face.

“Well good. That will make life a lot easier.” Dean smiled warmly. “As for Amelia and Claire. You have to know they would want you to be happy. And if this makes you happy,” his smile widened into a grin “well that’s just awesome for me.” Jimmy chuckled lightly. 

“This does make me happy. And I know they’d want that.” He sighed and dropped his hand. “I’m just not sure I deserve you or their blessing.”

“Don’t be thick, Jimmy. Of course you do.” He slid his hand back from Jimmy’s face to tangle in the hair at the back of his neck. “Do you think you’re the only one who gets something out of this relationship? Uncle Bobby isn't the one keeping the bottle or the pills out of my hand. He’s not the one who gives me a reason to get up in the morning. You’re not the only one who was afraid. Every time you stayed hidden in your room or switched to an alter I was terrified I was losing you. I may like them just fine, but you’re the one I lo…” He broke off abruptly and cleared his throat. “You’re the one who gave me a reason to get out of that stupid hospital and build us a life.” Jimmy knows what Dean was going to say. But all the while Dean was learning about Jimmy and his alters, Jimmy was learning about him, too. So even though his heart is racing at the thought of what Dean almost said, he doesn't push it. Instead he just smiles and kisses Dean. Its a quick kiss but it has the desired effect. Dean looks a little dazed but he’s smiling. 

“I’m sorry I didn't talk to you sooner.” Jimmy says as Dean recovers from his momentary shock at Jimmy initiating a kiss.

“Right umm… all is forgiven.” Dean clears his throat again. “I think that's as much touchy-feely crap as I can handle for one day. You ready to head back?” Jimmy laughs and nods. Dean smiles at him as they stand. “Yup. Definitely my favorite sound.” Jimmy hides the redness in his cheeks against Dean’s shoulder as they walk back towards his family and the Impala.


	11. Think About Baseball

After saying goodbye to Dean’s family they climbed back into the Impala and Dean took Jimmy out for his favorite burgers. Jimmy tried to protest, but Dean reminded him they were celebrating Jimmy getting a job. After lunch they headed home and spent the rest of the afternoon watching a romantic comedy that Jimmy had wanted to see. Dean only teased him a little about being a giant sap. As the opening credits began Dean settled into his normal spot. The day had been a bit of a roller coaster for Jimmy and he wanted to let the other man set the pace for the afternoon. After getting them drinks Jimmy hesitated for only a few moments before he sat down in the middle, right next to Dean, and handed over one of the drinks. Dean hid his smile behind the rim of the bottle. 

“So what sapfest are we watching today?” Dean asked after taking a sip from his soda. 

“Its not a sapfest. Its supposed to be funny.” Jimmy gave Dean a severe glare, which just caused Dean to grin wider. “Its called The Proposal. It has Sandra Bullock in it. I like her.” 

“The Proposal?” Dean rolled his eyes. “Sounds super funny.” The sarcasm was almost visible.

“Oh just shut up and watch it. You said we could do whatever I wanted today, and I want to watch this movie.” Jimmy settled further into his seat. He brought his feet up onto the couch and leaned into Dean’s chest, getting comfortable.

“Yeah, yeah. We’ll watch the sapfest.” Dean’s tone held nothing but affection as he wrapped his arm around the other man’s shoulders and smiled down at tousled black hair. As the movie progressed Dean had to admit it was kind of funny. He did not however, have to admit it out loud. Jimmy was laughing during a particularly amusing scene with the grandmother and Dean’s heart started racing. He hadn't been kidding when he’d said it was his favorite sound. Jimmy had been quiet and reserved for as long as they’d known each other. That simple laugh sent a jolt down Dean’s spine at the same time that warmth bloomed in his chest. 

“Hey.” Dean said to get the other man’s attention.

“Yeah?” When Jimmy looked up he was still smiling and his eyes shined. Dean had been about to say something about how he loved it when Jimmy laughed. He had thought about telling him the movie wasn't so bad after all. He might even have said how he supposed Jimmy could pick the movies more often. But all of that flew out of his head when he looked into Jimmy’s face, still slightly scrunched up from his laughter. Instead of speaking he leaned in and pressed a kiss to the laugh lines at the corners of Jimmy’s eyes. First one side, then the other. When he pulled back Jimmy’s smile had morphed from amused to something infinitely warmer. 

To Dean’s extreme surprise the other man shifted around until he was straddling Dean’s lap. He was nervous that he had missed a switch and this was Cas.

“Jimmy?” Dean had to ask. He didn't want to make any mistakes after all the progress they had made today. 

“Still me.” Jimmy’s smile was turning from warm to smoldering and Dean had to suppress a shudder as the other man’s full weight settled across his legs. 

“Just checking. Thought you might be Cas.” He reached his arms up to run his hands through tousled black hair. “Had to check before I did this.” He pulled Jimmy’s head down gently until their lips met. It was much more gentle than what he had experienced with Cas. But, as the seconds ticked by it became much more intense than any of the exchanges he had shared with Jimmy so far. As Dean continued to clench his fingers in Jimmy’s hair, Jimmy’s hands started roaming down Dean’s sides. When they reached the bottom of his shirt, Jimmy shifted the fabric just enough to run his fingers under the waistband of Dean’s jeans. As he gripped tighter, fingertips on sensitive skin, Dean practically growled and grabbed Jimmy’s shoulders. He moved them around until Jimmy was flat on his back on the couch and Dean was kissing a trail down his neck. A small whimper brought Dean to his senses and he looked up into Jimmy’s wide blue eyes. 

“Oh, man. I’m so sorry.” He dropped his forehead to Jimmy’s chest while he tried to slow his breathing and his heart rate. 

“No. It’s okay. I was enjoying it.” Jimmy stroked the short hair in front of him. “I was just taken a little off guard. That’s all.”

“No, that's not all.” Dean finally had his breathing almost under control and sat up. He scrubbed a hand over his face trying to clear his head. Then he locked eyes with Jimmy. “I said we were going to go slow. I want to get this right. So that’s what we’re going to do.” He reached down and smoothed the worry lines from between Jimmy’s brows. “Now. You rewind and finish your movie. I am going to go make us some dinner and think about baseball.” After a quick and chaste kiss Dean got up and headed for the kitchen. Jimmy sighed and looked down at the front of his own tented jeans. Dean was right. He wanted things to be perfect. So he rewound his movie hoping that Betty White would help cool the heat in his veins.


	12. I Hate Baseball

Over the next few weeks life in the apartment settled into a new routine. Dean worked at the scrapyard like always. But, now when he left in the morning, so did Jimmy. He would head over to the hospital gift shop and put in a few hours before coming home to tidy up the house and figure out dinner. They continued to spend nights watching TV on the couch together. But, unlike when they first moved in, they always sat close together. And commercials were for make-out sessions instead of snack breaks. Jimmy’s alters stayed fairly dormant. The only one that popped up every now and then was Cas. Dean figured that said something about Jimmy being just as sexually frustrated as he was. But Dean wasn't going to relent. He’d decided he wasn't going to go any further until Jimmy was able to take him to meet Amelia and Claire. He didn't push the matter, and he didn't tell Jimmy that's what he was waiting for. Until one Friday night when Jimmy dragged it out of him.

“Dean, if you mention baseball one more time I may explode.” Dean laughed as he pulled away from Jimmy. His tone almost sounded like Godric’s when he was frustrated.

“Sorry, man. Its either baseball or Uncle Bobby in a speedo.” Jimmy groaned and closed his eyes trying to block the mental image. 

“Great, now I can never speak to your Uncle again. That will make for interesting family dinners.” Jimmy was glaring at Dean. Dean didn't care though. His insides were lighting up at hearing Jimmy refer to Bobby as family. As Dean’s smile widened Jimmy’s frown deepened. “What are you grinning at?”

“You called Uncle Bobby family.” Jimmy’s eyes widened for a moment, before his features settled into a smile.

“I guess I did. Is that alright?” Jimmy asked.

“More than alright!” Dean leaned back in for a possessive kiss. When he pulled away Jimmy was breathless. 

“Well if its okay that I call your Uncle family,” He was trying hard to speak past his racing pulse. “why do you insist on leaving me frustrated? I’m not going to break, Dean.” He paused. “Well, not anymore than normal. Its been weeks and I think I’m taking as many cold showers as you. And I hate baseball.” Jimmy was definitely sounding like Godric, but the pout was all him. 

“Sorry, man.” Dean was chuckling. “I told you we were going slow. Its just not the right time yet.”

“And when exactly will the ‘right time’ be.” Jimmy made air quotes with his fingers before crossing his arms. 

“I was thinking…” Dean stopped mid-sentence not really knowing how to phrase his request without upsetting Jimmy.

“And?” Jimmy prodded when Dean showed no indication of continuing. 

“Well its like you said. Uncle Bobby is family. And you've met Mom, Dad and Sam.” Dean stared into Jimmy’s eyes so the other man could see how important Dean thought this was. “I think you need to introduce me to Amelia and Claire before we go any further.” There was a tense silence for several painful heartbeats.

“Dean, you saw what happened last time. I just don’t think I can.” He dropped his eyes to his lap in shame.

“Of course you can. You've been doing so much better. Work is going great, and the only one I see at all anymore is Cas, and even that doesn't happen often.” Dean grabbed Jimmy’s chin to force him to look up. “I want this to happen more than anything, trust me.” He gestured between them, “But you need to see them. Even the doctor said so. You need closure. And once you can get that step out of the way, I’ll feel a whole lot better about us going forward.”

“I know I have to, it's just…” Jimmy sighed and looked away again. “It hurts too much. I’m afraid I’ll end up back at square one.”

“You won’t. I won’t let you.” Dean rested their foreheads together. “I’ll be with you the whole time and every moment afterwards. You don’t have to do this alone.”

“I need…” Jimmy paused to swallow. “I need to think about this. I think I’m going to go to bed.” Dean hated how defeated Jimmy looked.

“Of course. Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.” Dean kissed him softly before moving away so Jimmy could head to his room. Dean stared at the closed door for a long time before finally going off to bed himself, hoping that he hadn't just royally screwed everything up.


	13. Strong as You Believe

Jimmy barely slept at all that night. He laid in bed staring at the ceiling as his mind raced. He thought about Amelia and Claire. He went through his counting exercise over and over trying to remain grounded. He thought about Dean and everything that the other man had done for him. Amelia had loved Jimmy when life was easy. She had loved a Jimmy that was whole. She was an amazing woman, but Jimmy wasn't sure how she would have handled what he had become. 

Dean had started caring about Jimmy at his absolute worst. He had taken the shattered remains and started piecing them back together. And, as shocking as Jimmy found it, he knew that Dean loved every one of those pieces in its own way. Jimmy didn't have much to offer in return. He kept the house clean and did most of the cooking. And now that he had a job he could help a little with the bills. But he knew that even if he couldn't do that much, Dean would still be there for him. Dean had never asked him to look after the house. He had never pushed Jimmy to get a job. He had never actually asked for any of it. Jimmy did it because he wanted to feel useful. Now, after all this time and all he had given to Jimmy, Dean was asking for this. It was really the only thing he’d ever asked for. Even when they had started… whatever it was they were doing, he hadn't pushed Jimmy. He had offered his affection, but he had been sure to let Jimmy know that there was no pressure.

After everything that Dean had done for him, could Jimmy really deny him this one request? He was sure that if he woke up the next day and told Dean that he just couldn't do it, Dean would smile and kiss him and tell him it was okay. Things would continue on as they had for the past few weeks. Jimmy had no doubt that Dean would stay with him. The other man had proven time and again that he wasn't going anywhere. But Jimmy also knew that Dean was stubborn when he felt strongly about something. And so they would continue as they had been, but they would never get any further. 

Jimmy tossed and turned most of the night. The old guilt and fears crashed over him like the surf in a storm. Several times he felt like he might be slipping, but he would start counting and work on calming his breathing. This was too important to get lost in himself. Jimmy finally fell asleep as the sun was rising. He only managed of few hours that were interrupted by visions of blue nail polish, scarlet stains, gospel music and Dean. Sometimes it was Dean’s body laying lifeless in front of their couch, a gash across his throat. Other times it was Dean’s back as he walked away and disappeared, leaving Jimmy alone.

When Jimmy woke up gasping Dean’s name for the third time he finally gave up on trying to get anymore sleep. The clock read 7:49. He decided to get up and make Dean breakfast before the other man woke. He wouldn't be eating anything, but he could at least make sure Dean ate. As he stumbled out of his room, hair a wreck and pajamas a wrinkled mess, he was surprised to see Dean sitting on the couch, staring at nothing.

“Dean?” Jimmy blinked and rubbed his eyes to clear the sleep from them. Dean turned at the sound of his name.

“Hey. man.” Dean’s eyes roamed over him from head to toe, taking in the bloodshot and puffy eyes, matted hair and rumpled clothes. “No offense, but you look like hell.” Dean smiled affectionately to smooth over the insult.

“Didn't sleep well.” Jimmy mumbled as he headed for the kitchen. “Why are you up so early?”

“I didn't sleep so well either.” Dean told him.

“Oh… Well I’ll go make you some breakfast.” For the first time in weeks Jimmy felt awkward with Dean.

“Never mind that.” Jimmy stopped when Dean spoke. “Come here.” Jimmy turned to see Dean patting the spot next to him on the couch. Reluctantly, he walked over and settled down next to Dean. Jimmy sat stiffly until Dean reached his arms around and shifted until Jimmy was practically laying across the taller man’s broad chest. “That’s better.” Jimmy felt a small kiss on the crown of his head.

“Dean, I…” Jimmy started but couldn't seem to figure out what to say next.

“Don’t worry about it. I stick by what I said last night. But, that doesn't mean I want to run right out and do it this second.” He squeezed lightly where his arms were looped around Jimmy. “Take all the time you need. I can wait.” That, more than anything, finally helped Jimmy make up his mind. Dean’s willingness to go at Jimmy’s pace, and to care for him in the meantime, made Jimmy feel stronger than he had in a very long time. He wanted to be worthy of this much care, so he would be.

“No. I want to go now.” He spoke the words into Dean’s chest, but his voice was determined. Dean pulled back and searched Jimmy’s face.

“Are you sure? We don’t have to. You can take all the time you need.” He was absentmindedly brushing wayward strands of hair back from Jimmy’s face. Jimmy’s eyes shone with affection, and not a small amount of anxiety.

“I’m sure. It’s been long enough. They deserve better from me.” He looked directly into bright green eyes. “You deserve better.”

“I don’t want you pushing yourself on my account. We've got all the time in the world.” Dean’s voice was sincere, and a little concerned. 

“I know. But I want to prove to myself that I’m as strong as you believe I am.” He leaned in for a chaste press of lips. “As long as you’re with me, I think I could be.” Dean’s answering smile was filled with pride.

“Okay, then. As long as you’re sure, let’s get dressed.” He grinned down at the shorter man. “I don’t want to meet them in my ratty pajamas. What kind of impression would that make?” Jimmy chuckled as Dean headed to his room. 

Jimmy got up to gather clothes as well. When he no longer had Dean’s soothing presence his heart started to race and his breathing sped up. He dressed quickly and headed back into the living room as a solid block of ice filled his chest and he felt like he could lose his grip on himself any second. While he waited for Dean to come out of the other room he could feel himself fading out. But, just before he slipped, Dean entered the room with a warm smile and a gentle kiss. When Dean pulled back he looked into Jimmy’s eyes searching for any signs of distress. “You ready?” Jimmy just nodded and threaded their fingers together. His throat was too tight to speak.


	14. Cheer Up, Man. Waffles!

The walk to the cemetery was mostly silent. Dean could just barely hear Jimmy counting under his breath. He had Dean’s hand in an iron grip that had actually started to hurt. But Dean would let his fingers break before he complained. He held on just as tight so that Jimmy had something to anchor to.

They had started at a normal pace but as they got closer Jimmy slowed significantly. Dean said nothing, just fell into step beside him. As much as Jimmy wanted to prove that he could do this, there was no need to rush. It was Saturday and they had the whole day. When they finally reached the gate Jimmy once again stopped just outside. He’d started to tremble. Dean pulled him by their linked hands until he had the shorter man in a vice like embrace and leaned down to whisper in his ear.

“You can do this. I’ll be with you the whole time.” Dean whispered soothing words as the shaking slowly subsided. “If it gets too hard we can leave. You’re doing great. I promise it’ll be alright.” After several minutes of Dean’s constant encouragement, and the stability that his embrace offered, Jimmy’s shaking finally ceased completely. Jimmy took a deep, steadying breath and stepped back.

“Thank you.” He said. “For everything.” He glanced past the gate and squared his shoulders. “I think I’m ready now.” He took Dean’s hand again and they walked together into the cemetery. “One, two, three, four…” Jimmy was counting again, almost too quietly to be heard. Dean just held his hand tighter and followed. He wasn't sure how Jimmy knew where he was going, but he didn't want to break the other man’s concentration. At any rate, he seemed to be on a pretty specific course. Finally he stopped at a fork in the path and turned to Dean. “They’re down this way. The seventh and eighth stones on the right.”

“Really?” Dean’s curiosity had gotten the better of him so he had to ask. “How do you know? You've never been here, right?”

“I talked to Dr. Gabriel about wanting to introduce you to them. He thought that it was a good idea so he got a copy of the plot plan from the cemetery. We've been studying it.” Jimmy’s voice was quiet, but it was still his.

“Have I mentioned recently that Dr. Gabriel is awesome?” Dean smiled at the thought of Jimmy’s Doctor. They had talked on fairly numerous occasions once Dean had started helping with Jimmy’s recovery, and Dean genuinely liked the guy. He gave Dr. Gabriel updates on Jimmy’s condition outside of the office and it helped Dr. Gabriel treat him better.

“He’s a good doctor.” Jimmy said. “I was lucky he was assigned to me.” Dean knew Jimmy was stalling a little, but he wasn't going to push him any faster. They stood there in silence for several long minutes. Dean rubbed small, soothing circles on Jimmy’s hand with his thumb. Jimmy started counting again.

“We can try again another day.” Dean leaned in and whispered near Jimmy’s ear. “You don’t have to prove anything to me. This is great progress.” He placed a soft kiss just under the other man’s ear. “I’m so proud of you.” Jimmy could hear the complete sincerity in Dean’s voice and he wanted to be worthy of that. He allowed himself exactly three more seconds to absorb the warmth of Dean’s proximity before he stepped back and led Dean up the path. Dean followed, surprised and impressed by the fierce look of determination on Jimmy’s face. When Jimmy had counted seven stones he stopped between that one and the next. But he did not look at them right away.

“I've memorized the plot plan. But I need to be sure before I look. Are these the right stones?” Jimmy was almost too quiet to hear, and as he finished Dean saw his lips counting out numbers silently. The taller man looked over at the markers. They were simple, dark gray stones with names and dates. That wasn't what kept Dean from responding immediately. Each one had a picture on porcelain above the names. Dean couldn't tear his eyes away from them. The picture on Amelia’s grave showed a somewhat plain, but pretty brunette. She had a bright smile and was holding a blanket wrapped bundle. There was nothing but joy on her face. But that wasn't the picture that had Dean so captivated. On Claire’s stone there was a picture of a young girl, blond hair and a smile just like her mother’s. But her eyes were the same piercing blue as Jimmy’s. And standing behind her was the man himself. The Jimmy in the picture looked so different that Dean’s heart broke for what was lost. The eye color, the hair, the cheekbones, they were all the same. But Dean had never seen his eyes shine with joy, or his smile radiate warmth and love the way the man in the picture did. All of the sides of Jimmy that he had seen, and he had never known this one. He was silent so long that Jimmy looked up at him with a head tilt similar to Castiel. “Dean?” 

“Ye…” Dean cleared the tightness in his throat and tried again. “Yeah. These are the right ones.” Jimmy let out an audible sigh before slowly turning. Dean was finally able to tear his eyes from the man in the picture in order to observe the one by his side. He watched his face closely, listened to his breathing. He was watchful for any indication that this was too much to handle.

“My girls…” Jimmy breathed out the words as a small sob escaped. He went to his knees between the two stones and Dean followed suit. The taller man settled a strong arm around Jimmy’s shoulders to try and offer support. Tears were flowing freely down Jimmy’s face and Dean was blinking back one or two of his own. The pain on the other man’s face caused a deep ache in Dean’s chest. It made him want to drag him away, take him somewhere safe where he couldn't hurt anymore. But Dean knew it wasn’t possible. So instead he just held on as tight as he could while Jimmy grieved. As the moments ticked away Dean realized that Jimmy wasn't going to speak. He remembered the kind words that Jimmy had said when visiting Dean’s lost family. Well, Dean had some things to say as well.

“Um…” He cleared his throat awkwardly. He wasn't very good at this. “Hi, Amelia and Claire.” There was a slight whimper from the other man, but when he didn't protest Dean just held him tighter and continued. “You don’t know me. And I never got the chance to meet you. Which really is a shame because Jimmy here, well he loved you. And he’s a pretty amazing guy, so I figure you were pretty amazing, too.” He had to stop for a moment to blink back the prickling in his eyes. “By the way, my name’s Dean. I think I forgot that part.” Jimmy remained silent and Dean took the opportunity to say some of the things that he thought Jimmy should know, but that he wasn't brave enough to say directly to him. “He misses you like crazy. And he still loves you so much. Which is good. And I know he feels guilty about what happened, which isn't good.” Jimmy slumped a bit closer to the ground. “Its not his fault, and I know you would tell him that if you could. And I know you would be here with him if you could, too. I wish you were, for his sake.” Dean looked down to where Jimmy’s breathing was coming faster and he was definitely on the verge of slipping. Dean spoke a little quicker. “But I wanted you to know, that since you can’t be, that I’m taking care of him for you. I don’t know if I’m really cut out for it, and I damn sure know I’m not good enough for him. I certainly can’t replace the two of you. But I’m going to do my best. Because, well, I li… lo… Because he means the world to me, too. And I need him just as much as he needs me.”

Jimmy still wasn't talking and he was shaking again. Dean maneuvered them so that he was kneeling in front of the other man. He pulled him tight against his chest, tucked the smaller man’s chin into the crook of his neck, and whispered soothing, nonsense words. They stayed like that for a long time. Dean was amazed that Jimmy had made it this far. When he had told him how proud he was, he had been completely honest.

“Dean, I…” Jimmy was almost inaudible. Dean pulled back to search his face, one hand wiped stray tears from his cheek. While he brushed Jimmy’s hair back from his forehead the blue eyes slipped closed and Jimmy slumped forward.

“Jimmy? Jimmy?” Dean shook him lightly. When he saw blue again a few moments later the eyes were still red-rimmed and puffy, but the despair was gone, replaced by mild annoyance. 

“You look all depressed, man.” His voice was completely changed. He looked down at where they were kneeling on the ground and then around at the gravestones. “This place is a total drag. I’m starving. We should go get waffles.” All traces of Jimmy’s pain had evaporated. Dean sighed heavily, but wasn't surprised. He’d been expecting this and was mostly impressed that Jimmy had held on so long. 

“Sure, Levi.” He smiled a little sadly at the alter. “We can go for some waffles.” They stood up and brushed the grass from their knees. Levi slung his arm around Dean’s shoulder and jostled him like teenagers do.

“Cheer up, man. Waffles!” He said it like they were the answer to all of life’s troubles. Dean just nodded and walked along with him to the gates. Jimmy would be back, and Dean would be there for him when he was.


	15. You Have Friends?

Dean and Levi went for breakfast at the diner around the corner from their apartment. Neither of them could cook to save their lives. Levi ordered a giant stack of waffles with bacon on the side and a chocolate milkshake. Dean ordered a coffee. He wasn't really in the mood to eat. 

“What’s with you? You love giant, greasy breakfasts.” Levi asked through a mostly full mouth.

“A friend of mine is having a rough day. I’m just worried about him.” Dean stared down at the hands wrapped around his coffee. He could see that his knuckles were white and he tried to relax them. There was nothing he could do for Jimmy until he resurfaced.

“You have friends?” Levi laughed at his own joke and took another enormous bite. Dean couldn't help a small smile. Levi was like Sammy had been at about fifteen. Bad jokes, huge appetite and all.

“Yeah. A few.” Dean replied with a humorless little laugh. He really only had the one. But it was sort of like having six. Its just that none of his friends could be in the same room at the same time.

“You know what you need?” Levi pointed his fork at Dean. “You need a distraction. And I know just the thing.” He shoved an entire strip of bacon in his mouth. Dean knew how this game worked. Levi wasn't going to tell him until he asked. 

“Oh, yeah? And what’s that?” He smiled indulgently as he reached over to swipe some whipped cream from the corner of Levi’s mouth. Levi’s eyes went unfocused for a few seconds at the feel of Dean’s calloused thumb on his lip. Then he grinned lecherously.

“Well I was gonna say we could go sneak into a movie. But now I’m thinking we could just go home and make our own movie.” Dean shook his head, amused smile still in place. He had come across this issue with all of the alters in some form or another. Levi, Cas and Godric were the most forward. He and Godric had actually had a few real fights about it. Castiel merely talked about how curious he was about progressing their physical relationship. Emanuel was too shy to say anything, but Dean sometimes caught a look of longing in his eyes when Dean pulled away. Kissing was as far as he had gone with any of them. Until he and Jimmy reached that point it felt too much like a weird kind of date rape to go any further than that. He needed Jimmy’s understanding and consent first. So he put Levi off, like he always did.

“Actually a movie sounds great. But how about I just buy the tickets. And as consolation for not allowing you to break any laws, I’ll buy you a tub of popcorn and some milk duds to throw into it?” Levi took another bite and chewed thoughtfully, as if this decision was very important.

“Fine, but I want red hots instead of milk duds.” He took a long slurp of his milkshake. “You’re getting boring in your old age, dude.” He said with all the seriousness that one would talk about a terminal illness.

“I know. How do you put up with me?” Dean said with a roll of his eyes.

“Don’t know. I must be some kind of saint.” Levi grinned as he drank the last of his milkshake with a disgusting slurping sound. Then, of course, he belched. “You owe me a movie old man. Let’s go.” Dean left money on the table and they headed out to retrieve the Impala from in front of their building.

So they went to a movie. It was violent and mostly stupid but Levi loved the explosions. Levi ate most of the tub of popcorn and red hots and still somehow had room for tacos for lunch. Dean managed to eat a little. He was still worried about Jimmy, but he just kept reminding himself that he had to be patient. And if he couldn't be of any help to Jimmy right now, at least he could keep Levi happy. After lunch they headed home and Levi broke out the gift Dean had gotten him when they’d started dating. Dean had found an old Playstation and some games on sale at the thrift store. He’d figured it was a way for Levi to get out some of his destructive energy without real property damage. It mostly worked.

Levi played for a few hours while snacking on a bag of Doritos. Dean sat on the other end of the couch and stared at the screen without really seeing what was happening. Levi was playing the game where you stole cars. But the sound of the game and Levi shouting at the fake cops had mostly become background noise. At some point Levi became frustrated and Dean glanced over just in time to see him about to throw the controller. He snatched it out of his hands.

“And what are you going to play with if you break this?” He shook it in front of Levi.

“This game is lame anyway. I’m bored with it.” He leaned back into the couch and crossed his arms. Dean couldn't help but laugh at the petulant expression on his face. He imagined this must be what Jimmy was like as a teenager. As messed up as it was, it almost made him grateful that he could see it. Like he was able to see into Jimmy’s past and know more about him.

“How about you take a break and I’ll get you another soda.” Dean got up and placed the controller on the couch. As he walked around the back of the sofa he leaned over to place an affectionate kiss on Levi’s forehead. Levi pretended that he hated sappy gestures and so he rolled his eyes as Dean walked away. Dean was still smiling when he came back with the drink. He stopped for a moment when he saw that the other man’s face was no longer annoyed. It was confused.

“Dean?” He looked over to where Dean was still paused with the soda in hand.

“Yeah?” He needed the other man to say something else before he could be absolutely sure who it was. It was definitely not Levi, Cas or Godric. They never looked that unsure. But it could be Castiel or Emanuel. The other man grimaced, held his stomach and groaned.


	16. Better Than Expected

“Ugh. Levi.” was all the dark-haired man said.

“Yeah, Jimmy. It’s been Levi since this morning.” Dean told him, relieved smile on his face. Jimmy was always a little uncomfortable after Levi. The sheer amount and odd combinations of what he ate would give anyone indigestion. Levi just never seemed to notice or care.

“My mouth tastes terrible. What did he eat?” Jimmy was just taking the cap off the soda that Dean had handed him so that he could rinse his mouth.

“Umm.” It took Dean a few seconds to think back. “He had waffles, bacon and a milkshake at the diner. He ate popcorn with red hots at the movies. And tacos for lunch. He was eating Doritos just now.” Dean gestured to the half empty bag near Jimmy’s feet.

“Disgusting.” As Jimmy took another sip Dean sat down at his end of the couch. When Jimmy set the soda down, Dean tugged him over until he was resting his head on Dean’s chest. Dean hugged him close and rested his chin on the other man’s hair.

“How are you doing?” He asked. Jimmy tensed a little in his arms, as if that morning were just now coming back to him.

“Is it still Saturday?” He asked quietly.

“Yeah. You've only been gone for about nine hours.” Dean was gently rubbing Jimmy’s hip in soothing circles.

“That’s…” He paused for a moment and looked up into Dean’s eyes. “That’s actually much better than I expected.” He said a little nervously.

“I knew you could do it.” Dean’s eyes were shining with pride. “How do you feel?” Jimmy didn't say anything for almost a minute, his eyes unfocused as he stared at nothing.

“It’s strange but I feel…” He searched for a word. “Lighter. Like there’s a stone that’s been removed from my chest.” He was frowning deeply.

“Well, that’s good isn't it?” Dean was having trouble figuring out what to say. Jimmy seemed alright, but he wasn't sure what that meant. He’d been dreading seeing Amelia and Claire for so long. Dean and Jimmy had both expected much worse than this.

“It is. I think.” He laid his head back down on Dean’s chest and brought a hand up to lay on the taller man’s stomach. “It’s just strange. I knew that I would slip. So I’m not surprised that Levi surfaced. But I expected it to last much longer. And I expected to still be hurting so much more when I came back.”

“Well, what do you feel?” Dean wasn't excellent at this psychiatry crap, but Dr. Gabriel was off until Monday, so he was going to try. They could call him if there was an emergency, but so far there didn't seem to be. 

“I feel relief.” He was frowning again. “I still miss them. And it still hurts that they’re gone. I’m still angry about what happened. But its like…” He searched around trying to explain it properly. “like its not suffocating me anymore. And now I feel extremely guilty.” He buried his face in the fabric of Dean’s shirt.

“You shouldn't feel guilty.” Dean said as he ran a hand through Jimmy’s hair. “You've been suffocating under the weight of it long enough. This is you finally being ready to let go.” Jimmy tensed and Dean replayed his words. “Not let go of them. You never have to do that. Just let go of the pain and the anger. That’s what they would want for you.” Jimmy relaxed a little.

“I know they would. And I know you’re right.” Jimmy sighed and settled closer to Dean. “I’m going to try to be thankful that this wasn't worse and talk to Dr. Gabriel on Monday. For now I think I’d like to sleep. Levi always leaves me with an awful stomach ache.” He went to move away, but Dean didn't let him go. Jimmy looked up at him questioningly. “Dean?”

“Stay with me tonight.” Dean said as he held Jimmy’s gaze.

“Oh…” Jimmy looked down at his hand. “You know I want to…” Jimmy’s voice was small.

“Not for that.” Dean interrupted and went back to running his fingers through the black strands. “I just want to be there if you need me. I just want…I want you close.” Jimmy looked into Dean’s honest green eyes for only a few seconds before nodding. 

“Okay. Just let me get changed and use the bathroom.” Jimmy said. Dean squeezed him one more time and gave him a quick kiss before releasing him with a small grimace.

“Yeah. Levi never remembers to brush his teeth.” He was smiling to take the sting out of the almost insult. It earned him a small laugh.

“Yeah well, you taste like root beer. I hate root beer.” Jimmy went off to his room for some clothes and Dean watched him go in awe. Jimmy was surprising the hell out of him. He was doing so well. Dean shook his head to clear his thoughts and grabbed the remotes to turn off the TV and game system. Then he went off to his own room to grab some pajamas. It was a little early, but a solid night’s sleep would be good for both of them.


	17. Just Sleeping

After Dean had gathered his clothes he busied himself clearing up Levi’s empty soda bottles and put the chips back in the cupboard. He only had to wait a few minutes after that for Jimmy to come out of the bathroom. Dean grabbed his pajamas from the back of the couch and walked over to the shorter man. 

“I’m just going to get changed.” Dean leaned down for a quick kiss. “I’ll be there in a minute.” Then he headed into the bathroom to brush his teeth and change as quickly as he could. When he came out Jimmy was still just standing in the living room staring towards Dean’s bedroom door. Dean walked quietly up behind him and wrapped his arms around the shorter man’s waist, chin resting on a slightly hunched shoulder.

“You've been in my room before. It’s not that scary.” He turned his head to the side to kiss lightly below Jimmy’s ear. “I even picked all the dirty boxers up off the floor and put them in the hamper.”

“I’m not scared.” Jimmy said defiantly.

“Oh no? Then why are your shoulders all scrunched up and you’re standing here staring at the door like it’s got fangs?” Dean squeezed Jimmy a little tighter and pressed another gentle kiss to his neck. He loved that he was allowed to do this. Over the past several weeks Jimmy had become comfortable with these displays of affection. To Dean’s point, Jimmy began to relax under his touch. He pressed back ever so slightly into the taller man’s chest, his shoulders eased and he tilted his head just a little to afford Dean greater access. Dean took full advantage by dropping a line of tiny kisses from his ear to his chin. Jimmy let out a small contented sigh that caused heat to pool low in Dean’s stomach. 

“I’m not scared.” Jimmy repeated. Only this time it came out more breathless than defiant. Dean chuckled.

“Good, because there’s nothing to be scared of.” Reluctantly he released Jimmy and stepped back. He smiled as he took Jimmy’s hand and started leading him to the bedroom. On the way he tried to surreptitiously adjust himself where things had become a little uncomfortable during their embrace. Sleeping beside Jimmy was going to be an exercise in self control.

Once they made it into the bedroom Jimmy tensed up again. There had been plenty of heavy make-out sessions in the last few weeks, but they had all taken place either on the couch in the living room or the front seat of the Impala. Staring at Dean’s bed was a little intimidating. Jimmy wanted this. He really did. But he was also terrified of what might change between them. He was afraid of his own reactions. Today had gone a long way towards helping him move forward. Dean had been amazing. But, a part of him still felt like he was betraying Amelia. The ridiculous food that Levi had eaten was churning in his stomach and he was starting to feel ill.

“Relax.” Dean said as he pulled Jimmy into a comforting embrace. “I can practically see the gears grinding in your head. It’s just sleep.” Dean tilted Jimmy’s chin up gently so they were making direct eye contact. “I want to fall asleep with you in my arms so that I can wake up and have your messy bed head be the first thing I see.” Dean reached up and ruffled the aforementioned black locks. The fondness that Jimmy saw in Dean’s eyes drowned out most of his anxiety. The honest adoration left him breathless.

“That sounds perfect.” Jimmy whispered, so close to Dean that he could feel the other man’s breath on his lips. Dean was trying to be good. He really was. But being this close…

“Mmph” Dean exhaled in surprise. Jimmy took the decision out of his hands, crashing their lips together and burying his fingers in Dean’s hair. The small noises coming from Jimmy were making it difficult for Dean to hold onto his restraint. Completely without his permission, his legs were guiding them towards the bed. Dean’s hands gripped Jimmy’s hips and a very tiny part of his brain registered the fact that he was probably leaving marks. Dean was very quickly losing all sense as Jimmy’s hands grew tighter and more insistent in his hair and their tongues moved together in a maddening rhythm. Until…

“Eep!” As the back of Jimmy’s legs hit the bed he let out a small squeak of surprise, effectively freezing Dean in place. He loosened his grasp on Jimmy’s hips and dropped his forehead to the shorter man’s shoulder, breathing heavily as he tried to slow his racing pulse. Jimmy simply stood there, also attempting to catch his breath. After a few moments Dean laughed lightly and lifted his face to place an adoring kiss on Jimmy’s forehead. Dean just continued to hold him gently, not moving at all, while he finally got his breathing under control. “Um, Dean?” Jimmy’s puzzled tone was downright adorable.

“Yeah?” He smiled warmly and met Jimmy’s confused gaze.

“You stopped.” Dean couldn't tell if it was a question or an accusation. Either way it was ridiculously endearing.

“I did. Just sleeping, remember?” Dean reminded the other man.

“Yeah, but… I thought…” Jimmy shifted his gaze to the carpet as color flushed his cheeks.

“Oh. Its gonna happen.” He placed a firm closed-mouth kiss on the already swollen lips in front of him. “Just not tonight.”

“But…” Jimmy’s lower lip was sticking out ever so slightly and Dean groaned as he ignored the urge to take it between his teeth. Instead he dropped one more chaste kiss on that adorable lip and reached behind Jimmy to pull the covers back on the bed. 

“No buts, mister.” He guided Jimmy to sit and then to lift his legs onto the bed. Dean smiled fondly as Jimmy shimmied over to make room for him. He climbed in after, pushed Jimmy’s shoulder until his head rested on the pillow and then laid down next to him. “Bed time.” And he flicked off the lamp, the only light now coming from the streetlamp outside the window. 

“Dean, I’m not a child.” There was just enough light to see that his lip was once again sticking out. Dean reached over and tucked it back in with a fond chuckle.

“I know you’re not.” While he spoke he shifted onto his side to face Jimmy more fully. “Trust me, I know.” Dean interrupted his own speech to kiss Jimmy’s lips, which were still slightly slick and reflecting the streetlight. He pulled back with a sigh. “But I want you fully in the moment with me. Not after a day like today. You did amazing, but it was still a giant step. Get a good night’s rest. Digest everything that happened this morning, and then everything Levi ate,” he grinned a little at his own joke, “and tomorrow, if you still want to, we can pick up where we left off.”

“Any chance I can change your mind?” Dean groaned as Jimmy shifted closer and he could feel just how not childlike the other man was pressed against his leg. 

“Very convincing.” Dean’s heart rate was picking up again. “But, no. We’re both just going to have to be uncomfortable for a few minutes. Now turn over.”

“Why?” Dean wasn't sure if Jimmy was asking why they had to be uncomfortable or why he was being directed to turn over. He chose to answer the latter.

“So that I can wrap my arms around you, pull you close and feel your heartbeat under my hand until I fall asleep. That's why.” It was extremely sappy and Dean could feel the stain on his cheeks, but he was pretty sure the light was dim enough that it wouldn't show. 

“Oh.” Was all Jimmy had to say in response before turning over and shifting a bit while Dean got his arms in place around him. One arm snaked under his neck and the other wrapped around his chest, hand resting just over his heart, as Dean had said. 

“Goodnight, Jimmy.” Dean whispered in his ear and pressed his lips lightly just under it before settling his head to the pillow.

“Goodnight, Dean.” Jimmy replied as he brought his hand up to lace his fingers with the ones resting over his heart. In much less time than Jimmy would have thought possible, he drifted to sleep in the shelter of Dean’s arms. For the first time since he entered the hospital all those months ago, there was no gospel music or crimson stains in his dreams. Instead there was the sun-heated leather of the Impala, warm laughter and shining green eyes.


	18. Soon. I Hope.

Dean was starving. He woke up to an annoying amount of sunlight in his face and a very loud complaint from his stomach. As he blinked to clear the black lines from his vision he tried to remember why he was so hungry. Oh, right. He hadn't eaten much the day before because… He kept blinking but he could still only see that obnoxious sun through weird black lines. Dean shifted and realized that his movements were restricted by a suspiciously warm weight. Finally the night before snapped into place and he wrapped his arms around the other man where he had sprawled across Dean’s chest. Dean moved his head ever so slightly to drop a kiss into the black hair that obscured his vision. His protesting stomach chose that moment to register its complaints again.

“Dean. Your stomach is loud.” The statement was whined sleepily into Dean’s chest. 

“I guess it’s time for breakfast.” Dean laughed as the other man groaned and curled a little tighter against Dean’s chest.

“Ugh. Don’t talk about food. If I could, I would seriously hurt Levi for the abuse he puts my stomach through.” Jimmy groaned and rolled onto his other side. Facing away from Dean to clutch his midsection, but staying close enough that they were still touching. Dean laughed and shifted so that he could run a hand gently up and down Jimmy’s arm. 

“Well then, you stay here and rest some more.” Dean started to disentangle himself from the sheet “I’ll go make myself a gourmet breakfast of cereal. It’s Sunday. So we get to be lazy all day.” Jimmy just grunted and burrowed further into the blankets once Dean’s warmth was gone. Dean couldn't help the fond smile that attached itself to his face. A sleepy Jimmy with a stomach ache was much better than what either of them had expected.

Dean made a pit stop in the bathroom before heading to the kitchen to make himself a large bowl of Lucky Charms. He ate standing in the kitchen, not wanting to waste time sitting down or walking to put the dishes in the sink. He heard Jimmy get up to use the bathroom while he ate. In less time than was probably healthy, Dean finished his cereal and had to restrain himself from sprinting back to his room. As he walked through the door he froze. The other man was flat on his back, staring at the ceiling, hands clasped so tightly over his stomach that the knuckles were white and trembling. 

“Hey? You okay?” Dean asked tentatively. Blue eyes turned in his direction. They looked on the verge of panic. Dean rushed forward and sat on the bed, pulling the other man close and rocking gently. “Hey, man. Its okay. What’s wrong?”

“I…” Jimmy’s breathing became erratic as he tried to speak. “I keep waiting for the real pain to hit. But then it doesn't and I feel guilty. And then I feel angry that I feel guilty. And I try to picture Claire’s smile and I think I’m losing it. That I can’t remember it right…” Jimmy was close to hysterics as his words broke off. Dean used his pause to interrupt. 

“You haven’t lost it. Its still there. Its okay.” Dean continued to rock the shaking man. “We’ll talk to Dr. Gabriel tomorrow. He said the hospital still had your box of pictures. He said they’d keep it until you were ready to bring them home. We’ll get them. And you can see her and you’ll know you haven’t forgotten. It’s okay.” Dean continued to whisper softly and clutch Jimmy tightly as the trembling slowly subsided. After several minutes of near silence, when the trembling finally stopped, Jimmy raised his head to look in Dean’s eyes.

“Why are you so good to me? I’m a broken mess.” Jimmy dropped his eyes again, shame written all over his face. 

“You. Are. Not. Broken.” Dean nearly growled. He relaxed his grip when he realized it was probably becoming a little too tight. He took a deep breath to calm himself down. When he thought he could trust his voice again he rested his cheek on Jimmy’s head and continued in a softer tone. “You've been through so much and you've come so far. You could've given up a million times, but you didn't. You could've just slipped away and never resurfaced. But you always come back. That’s not broken or weak. That’s strong.” Jimmy was shaking his head.

“No. If I was strong I wouldn't have slipped away in the first place. I shattered and hid instead of face reality. How can you say that’s not weak?” Jimmy sounded so tired.

“Because you survived. You fought to come back.” Dean had begun moving his hand in circles on Jimmy’s back. “The fact that you hurt so much just shows how strongly you cared for them. How much of yourself you gave to them. Weak men don’t do that. They’re too selfish.”

“And this?” Jimmy whispered as he gripped Dean’s hip. “Isn't me wanting this, you, selfish? Leaving them behind for this? It sure feels selfish.”

“You aren't leaving them behind.” Dean had leaned down a bit and had used a hand to move Jimmy’s face to look him directly in the eyes. “You’re just learning to live a different life. They would want that. You know they would. And so do I.”

“But why do you care at all?” Jimmy’s voice was barely a whisper.

“Because I needed more to live for than Uncle Bobby.” He was still holding eye contact, using his hand to keep Jimmy from looking away. “I stopped thinking about overdosing on pills because I wanted you to be proud of me. I never pick up a beer because I don’t want to disappoint you. I worked so hard to get us this place so that you, we, would have somewhere to call home. You are the only reason they didn’t find me dead in my room at that hospital.”

Thankfully, Dean had said everything he meant to, because at that point he was prevented from saying anything else by an urgent press of lips on his own. Jimmy was crushing their mouths together with violent need. Dean moaned into the other man’s mouth as he was pushed back against the headboard that he still rested on. As their tongues started moving together Jimmy climbed into Dean’s lap, straddling his thighs and curling desperate fingers into sand-colored hair. 

Dean forgot all about the promise he’d made himself weeks before. He wanted the first time to start out right. As sappy as it was, he wanted it to be romantic and untainted. But there was no way he was moving away now. Not while Jimmy was making needy little sounds into his mouth and pressing down with his full weight, separated by only a few thin layers of fabric. Dean clutched at Jimmy’s back and shoulders, using his arms to pull them even closer together. The friction as Jimmy started moving above him was too much and not enough at the same time. After a particularly insistent thrust from Jimmy, Dean lost his composure completely. He growled against Jimmy’s mouth and rolled them until he had the shorter man pinned below him. Dean pressed down with his hips and moved his mouth to suck at the junction of Jimmy’s neck and shoulder. Jimmy was moaning oh so beautifully as Dean reached for the hem of the other man’s shirt. Just as Dean’s fingers connected with soft skin and began working their way into Jimmy’s waistband the other man went silent and still. Dean sighed and sat up, moving off to the side.

“Dean?” The voice was deep and lust filled. Dean looked down to see half lidded eyes and a lascivious grin. “Fancy meeting you here.” The confidence and bad joke could have been Levi, Cas or Godric. But the voice and the eyes were all Cas. Dean smiled a little sadly over at the other man.

“Well, it is my bed. So, its not really strange that I would be in it.” Dean joked. As frustrated as he was, he wouldn't take it out on Cas. 

“And it’s such a nice bed. It’d be a shame to let it go to waste.” Cas sat up and kissed along the back of Dean’s neck. Dean turned and captured the other man’s lips. Cas attempted to pull Dean down into a more suitable position, but Dean remained sitting upright, holding Cas tightly in his arms instead. 

“Hmm.” Dean pulled away with a regretful moan. “You’re right, Cas. It is a shame. But today’s not the day.” With one last kiss Dean stood and held his hand out to Cas. “Come on. It’s Sunday so I don’t have anywhere to be. What do you want to do today?”

“You.” Cas ran his fingers over Dean’s wrist in slow circles. Dean held a groan back, but just barely. Of course it had to be Cas. If Dean had the proper amount of blood in his brain he probably could have puzzled out why. Jimmy wanted to be with Dean, but he was still feeling conflicted. So the alter who was most forward about a physical relationship surfaced. That just made it so much harder on Dean. Castiel and Emanuel were never pushy. Levi could be distracted by food or video games. He could just pick a fight with Godric. But Cas… Cas was insistent. Cas was the one who had started it all. And Dean really did care about him. He cared about all of them. So disappointing Cas now, well it hurt. But he knew he had to. 

“Cas.” The name came out shaky. “I want this. You know I do.” Dean kissed the other man as if to prove his point. He pulled away with a pained groan when Cas wrapped his hands in Dean’s hair. “But it’s not the right time yet.”

“When is the right time, Dean?” Cas was as close to angry as he ever got.

“Soon. I promise.” Dean ran a gentle hand along Cas’ cheek. “I hope.” he whispered under his breath.


	19. Uncle Bobby and Baseball

Dean managed to finally distract Cas by promising to take him for coffee. Cas loved a good, hot cup of coffee. And early in the morning it was impossible for him to resist. So after a few more attempts to lure Dean back into bed, Cas agreed to get dressed so they could go. They each took quick, seperate, showers. Cas went first and Dean could swear he heard soft groaning under the sound of the water. At one point Dean was pretty sure Cas moaned his name. He laid his head back on the couch and sighed. It was going to be a long day. 

After Cas had finished and walked through the living room in just a towel, lazy smile firmly in place, Dean rushed into the bathroom. He made sure his shower was ice cold. He could follow Cas’ lead and take care of the very insistent hardness between his legs, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. He had gotten so close to what he really wanted. A quick jerk in the shower just wasn't going to cut it. So he ignored it and washed quickly under the cold spray until he was clean and his blood had cooled. When he emerged Cas was reclining on the couch, thankfully dressed. But his legs were spread lazily and he had a devilish smile in place. Dean couldn’t resist a quick kiss to those tempting lips. 

Cas had other ideas that weren't so quick. When Dean leaned over him Cas reached up, gripped the taller man’s shirt on both sides and yanked hard. Dean was forced to his knees between Cas’ legs. It was either that or land on the other man. Cas moved his hands up to hold Dean’s head in place as he deepened the kiss and tightened his legs around Dean’s torso. Dean was lost in the sensations for several minutes. He pushed himself right up into Cas’ space and kissed him back urgently. When Cas pulled back to catch his breath and moan Dean’s name, the taller man finally came to his senses. That wasn't Jimmy’s voice. He broke from Cas’ grip and sat on the floor panting. So much for the cold shower.

“Dean.” Cas’ voice was sinfully deep, with a dangerous edge of frustration. “What the hell? I know you want me.” He was glaring at Dean. His eyes were usually lazy and warm, but now they were slit with real anger.

“Of course I want you, Cas.” He was breathing heavily still. “You have no idea how much.”

“So then what gives? I want you. I woke up in your bed, for fuck’s sake. Why do you keep stopping?” Cas’ anger was tinged with mild desperation.

“I can’t explain it.” Dean sighed. “Its complicated. But soon, I swear.”

“Is there someone else?” Cas asked, and Dean couldn't stop the slightly hysterical laugh at the ironic question. Cas’ eyes widened. “There is!”

“No.” Dean moved forward again to place a soothing hand on Cas’ jaw. He moved the pad of his thumb gently across the other man’s cheek. “I swear. There isn't.” He placed his other hand on Cas’ chest. “This is the only body I want.” Dean chose his words very carefully. 

“Well, I have to tell you, Dean. It really doesn't seem that way.” Cas was still glaring at him, but had started to soften under Dean’s touch.

“I know. And I’m sorry.” Dean kissed him softly but was sure to pull away quickly. “Just be patient with me a little longer. It’ll be worth it, I swear.” Cas was rolling his eyes, but smiled at the promise in Dean’s voice.

“It better be, Winchester. There are only so many times I can jerk off in the shower before its not enough.” Cas’ smile had that evil tilt again. Dean groaned at the imagery. He could see it vividly in his head. Black hair slicked back, one hand braced on the wall, muscles straining. The other hand moving in a maddening rhythm and mouth open on a breathy moan. 

“Cas.” He growled as he placed a fierce kiss on that crooked smile. “You have no idea what you do to me.” Dean gasped as a hand snaked between them to grip him through his jeans.

“Oh, I have some idea.” Cas whispered against Dean’s lips, while he squeezed almost painfully with his hand. “If you insist on making me suffer, then you get to suffer with me.” 

“Oh, you’re evil.” Dean groaned as he kissed Cas’ neck softly.

“Not evil. Just good at getting what I want.” He pulled Dean’s face around to look him in the eye. “And generally very patient. But not forever. So you’d better hold to your promise.” Dean shivered at the intensity in the blue eyes.

“I promise, Cas. Really soon.” Dean was talking to all of them as much as he was talking to Cas. Jimmy’s progress was amazing and Dean was almost certain that the next time he surfaced would finally be the right time. He just had to hold out til then. Dean pulled completely away from Cas and sat at the opposite end of the couch.

“Okay. You stay over there.” He pointed at Cas. “I am going to stay over here. And when I can walk without chafing we are going to go get that coffee.” Cas snickered from the other end of the couch as Dean laid his head back and closed his eyes.

“Baseball or Uncle Bobby?” Cas asked with an edge of laughter still in his voice. 

“Uncle Bobby. In a speedo. Playing baseball.” Dean told him and shuddered. Cas’ laughter was different than Jimmy’s. But it was still one of Dean’s favorite sounds. He smiled fondly as he finally felt his blood redistribute to the rest of his body. He stood up and reached a hand out for Cas. “Come on. Let’s go get you your caffeine fix.”


	20. Let's Go Home.

Dean and Cas spent a pleasant morning at the coffee shop. They drank strong coffee, ate sweet pastries and chatted while holding hands across the table. It was comfortable and Dean enjoyed being with Cas. As anxious as he was for Jimmy to resurface, he didn't let it ruin his time with the alter. Someday, as Jimmy got better, they might all be gone. Dean knew that was a good thing, and he wanted it to happen for Jimmy. But a part of him would miss them. Dean had drifted off, thinking about life without them, when his attention was wrenched back to the present by a pressure in his lap. His eyes snapped back into focus and he glared at the grinning man across the table.

“Cas…” He said warningly.

“What?” Cas’ feigned an innocent expression, but removed his foot from where it was pressing gentle circles to Dean’s inner thigh.

“You know what.” Dean was trying to be stern, but the fake innocent look was too much. He broke into an amused grin. “We’re in public, man. And there is no cloth on this table to hide what you’re up to.”

“Well, you weren't paying attention to me. I had to get your attention somehow.” Cas shrugged, as if he’d had no choice. 

“Why don’t you try saying my name or tapping me on the arm next time?” Dean suggested.

“Well where’s the fun in that?” Cas asked, eyebrow raised. Dean just laughed, took a sip of his coffee and gestured for Cas to continue with whatever he had wanted to say.

When they were finished with their breakfast they headed to the little park near their apartment. Castiel liked to watch people. Cas liked to watch nature. They walked around for awhile just taking in the blue sky and cool breeze. Eventually, they found a bench and sat together to watch the wind blow through the trees. Cas leaned against Dean and sighed in contentment as Dean draped his arm around the shorter man’s shoulders. After about 15 minutes of companionable silence, Dean felt the other man shift slightly. He squeezed him gently and placed a soft kiss on the smooth skin just below dark, messy hair. 

“I’m ready to head home anytime you are, Cas.” Dean tensed a little as he heard a sharp intake of breath from the other man.

“It’s me, Dean.” Came the quiet reply.

“Jimmy!” Dean pulled back to look into deep, blue eyes. “You’re back.” He wrapped the smaller man in a fierce hug, but pulled back when it wasn’t reciprocated. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry, Dean.” Jimmy stared at his hands, instead of looking at Dean.

“Sorry? Sorry for what?” Dean brushed the hair back from Jimmy’s forehead as he urged the other man to look at him. 

“I slipped. We were so close, and I slipped.” His eyes were full of shame and pain.

“That’s okay.” Dean smiled reassuringly and held Jimmy tightly. 

“Did you and Cas…” He trailed off, figuring the question was pretty obvious. “I know how insistent he can be.”

“No, Jimmy.” Dean smiled. “He was insistent. But I’m waiting on you.” He placed a chaste kiss on slightly chapped lips. “And you’re worth the wait.”

“Dean?” His voice was a low whisper.

“Yeah?” Dean was staring into eyes that had gone from shamed to smoldering.

“I’d like to go home now.” Jimmy whispered it directly into Dean’s ear. The taller man shuddered and let a small, needy moan pass his lips.

“Yeah. Let’s go home.” Dean got to his feet and pulled the other man with him, moving quickly in his haste. He had just enough brain power left to hear the small laugh from the other man, and be reminded how much he loved the sound of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter. And Dean's frustration. I promise the next two chapters make up for it.


	21. Still With Me?

They barely made it through the door. Dean’s hand was shaking while he tried to get the key in the lock. Jimmy wasn't helping. He was so close behind Dean that he could feel the warmth of his body through their clothes and warm breath on the back of his neck. As soon as Dean finally got the door open he tossed the keys in the general direction of the key hook and yanked Jimmy in behind him. Dean slammed the door closed and pushed the smaller man up against it. 

“You with me?” He asked as he pinned the other man with his hips and hands.

“Yeah…” Jimmy was breathless as he pushed back. “I’m with you, Dean. Please.” 

“Anything. Anything you want.” Dean didn't wait for Jimmy to reply. He gripped slim hips with bruising force and stole the needy little moans directly from his lips. Dean continued to explore Jimmy’s mouth as he used his grip on the other man to start moving them towards the bedroom. Halfway across they stumbled into the couch and Jimmy pulled away laughing. Dean took that opportunity to grab the hem of Jimmy’s shirt and pull it over the tousled black hair. 

“You have no idea what that sound does to me.” Jimmy’s laughter broke off abruptly as Dean’s lips latched onto his now exposed collarbone. It was replaced quickly by a desperate moan. Jimmy felt Dean shudder against him. “Oh… That might be better than the laugh.” Dean dove back in to capture the already swollen lips but Jimmy pulled back fairly quickly.

“Jimmy…?” But Dean’s question broke off as insistent hands pulled his shirt from his jeans and yanked it over his head, tossing it to the side. When he looked into the shorter man’s eyes he almost couldn't see the ring of blue. Jimmy’s pupils were blown so wide they had practically engulfed the iris.

“Now we’re even.” Jimmy panted against Dean’s lips. As they finally connected skin to skin they both groaned and reached out with hungry hands and lips. Dean started his path towards the bedroom again, angling a little more carefully around the couch. Jimmy’s back finally connected with Dean’s closed bedroom door. He reached down to fumble with the handle while Dean left a trail of scorching kisses down his neck to his chest. When he managed to get the door open they stumbled through it, momentarily thrown off balance. 

“Hey.” Dean grabbed Jimmy’s chin to catch his attention. “You sure? Still with me?” Jimmy could only nod, face still held in a firm grip. “Good. Because I don’t think I can stop now.” He latched his lips back onto Jimmy’s throat before reaching between them to start undoing the button and zipper on Jimmy’s jeans. Jimmy groaned and pressed up into the insistent mouth as he rushed to return the favor. Their pants fell at almost the same moment, leaving them standing in their boxers and circles of denim pooled at their feet. Dean gripped Jimmy’s hips over the thin material and pulled him close, breathing heavily against Jimmy’s skin at the wonderful heat seeping through insignificant layers of cloth. 

“Uh, Dean.” Jimmy’s voice was slightly amused as the other man raised a questioning eyebrow at him. “I think we forgot something.” He wiggled his foot to bring Dean’s attention down to where his still shoe clad foot was trapped in his pants. 

“Ugh.” Dean groaned before crouching down and yanking off his own shoes, socks and pants. He then reached over and urged Jimmy to lift one foot and then the other while he did the same for him. When he stood back up he said “That’s better.” Then he crashed their mouths back together. His hands roamed all over Jimmy’s naked back, gripped at his cloth covered backside, moved up to tangle in his hair. All the while Jimmy was doing the same in return, heart rate and breathing speeding up with each passing minute. Instead of pushing Jimmy down onto the bed, Dean laid back on it and pulled Jimmy with him. As Jimmy straddled his hips and pressed down with all his weight Dean saw the other man’s lips moving and listened to try to catch what he was saying.

“Four, five, six, seven…” Jimmy’s eyes were closed as he continued to rock against Dean. But Dean reached up and stilled the other man, forcing him to look down into concerned green eyes.

“You’re counting. Are you slipping?” Dean asked, gently running a hand over the other man’s thigh. 

“No.” Jimmy panted. “Just trying to keep from going too early and spoiling the moment.”

“Unh…” Dean groaned and pulled Jimmy down to him, pressing his tongue into the other man’s mouth urgently. He pulled back with a shaky breath. “You are a smart man.” Jimmy laughed as he heard Dean start counting under his breath. Dean’s hands moved to the waistband of Jimmy’s boxers, gently tugging on them. “You ready?” Jimmy nodded and shifted off of Dean so the other man could slide the fabric down his legs. When Dean had pushed them down past where he could reach Jimmy moved to take them off the rest of the way. Then he returned and tugged at Dean’s, urging the man to lift his hips so that he could reciprocate. When both pair were forgotten on the floor Jimmy returned to his original position, straddled over Dean’s hips. 

“Dean…” He moaned out the name as their heated flesh connected for the first time. His eyes slipped closed and he moved his hands to grip Dean’s shoulders, leaning down to kiss the other man as their hips moved together, creating delicious friction. 

“Oh, god. Jimmy…” Dean’s breathing was ragged as he clutched at Jimmy’s sweaty back. “I can’t...I’m gonna…” He broke off on a groan as Jimmy’s teeth found his earlobe. 

“I know...me too…” Jimmy went back to worrying at Dean’s sensitive ear with his teeth while Dean latched his mouth onto Jimmy’s shoulder. Their rhythm continued to pick up and became erratic as they both became increasingly desperate. Dean spared only the tiniest thought for the lube in the bedside table. He was lost in the amazing pressure as Jimmy switched his angle ever so slightly. He pulled Jimmy’s mouth back to his to kiss him deeply. There would be time to use that later.

Dean’s hands trailed from Jimmy’s face down his shoulders, grasping at the other man’s back. When he reached the swell of Jimmy’s backside he dug his fingers in and pulled the other man down while he shifted his hips up. Jimmy’s lips pulled from Dean’s abruptly. Jimmy tossed his head back, Dean’s name wrenched from his lips in the middle of a moan that Dean swore should be in adult movies. Dean felt warmth and slick spread between them. Jimmy slumped forward onto Dean’s chest, moving just right against him. And that was it. Dean was gone. He clutched tight enough to leave marks as the tightly bound coil of tension finally snapped loose and his release joined with Jimmy’s. 

“Jimmy?” Dean asked tentatively a few minutes later, when their breathing had settled down somewhat. The other man was still slumped to his chest and Dean was getting really anxious that their may have been a slip. He didn't know how he would explain their current position to whoever it was.

“Still me.” Jimmy raised his head to look fondly at Dean. “Sticky and getting a little bit of a cramp in my leg, but still me.” Dean laughed and kissed the other man breathless before finally letting him go. 

“Shift over and I’ll go grab us something to clean up with.” Jimmy slid off Dean and flopped onto his back. Dean laughed affectionately as he went to fetch a wet towel. When he returned he was momentarily dazed by the beauty of the man in his bed. He was awed by how far they’d come, and overwhelmingly grateful.

“Dean?” Jimmy was looking over to where Dean had frozen in the doorway. 

“Yeah, got that towel.” He ignored how tight his voice sounded as he cleaned them both up. After he was done he tossed the soiled towel over to the rest of their clothes and climbed into the bed. He manhandled Jimmy until the other man was on his side facing away from Dean. Then he reached down and pulled up the blanket. Dean tucked it around both of them and molded himself to Jimmy’s back. “I don’t know about you. But I could use a nap.” Jimmy just laughed and settled deeper into Dean’s arms, content to stay there as long as Dean would have him.


	22. Needed This. Needed You.

Jimmy woke up first. He shifted as carefully as he could to look over Dean’s shoulder at the clock. It was still early afternoon. He didn't know what Cas had eaten for breakfast, but it had apparently worn off and he was getting hungry. But, he was much too comfortable wrapped in the warmth of the blankets and Dean. Jimmy carefully turned over to look at the still sleeping man. As he shifted around in Dean’s arms the other man mumbled something unintelligible and tightened his grip around Jimmy’s shoulders. Jimmy couldn't help the affectionate smile as he was pulled tight against Dean’s chest. He tried to suppress a laugh as Dean buried his nose at the crook of Jimmy’s neck, breath tickling just behind his ear.

“Mmm.” Dean’s sleepy hum of contentment vibrated against Jimmy’s skin. Jimmy shuddered as he became hyper aware of just how much of his own naked skin was still in contact with the taller man. Jimmy couldn't help his mind from traveling back to all his years with Amelia. But, before the pain could take hold, he started cataloging how very different this felt. Amelia had been soft and small. Dean was larger than Jimmy, and his muscles were hardened by his work at the scrapyard. He made Jimmy feel safe and sheltered. Where Amelia had been smooth, Dean’s chest was dusted with just a tiny amount of hair, a thicker patch leading down his stomach from navel to groin. Amelia’s long, brown hair had always tangled around Jimmy’s hand. But, as he ran his fingers through Dean’s sandy hair, it bristled under his palm. The happy groan that greeted his attentions was deep and rumbling, as opposed to light and delicate. Dean was apparently waking up as Jimmy felt small kisses being pressed into his neck. The slight burn of stubble was once again something new and different. 

Jimmy figured it was these glaring differences that kept most of the guilt at bay. He can’t compare this to his life before. It’s something new. Something that the person, (people?) he has become needs. Dean continued to gently kiss and nuzzle against Jimmy’s neck for several minutes. All the while Jimmy was barely conscious of his body moving to align more intimately with the taller man. He tilted his head to afford Dean more access. His foot moved to slide along Dean’s strong calves. Jimmy absently noted the coarse hair as he hooked his heel behind Dean’s knee and used the leverage to angle closer still. Jimmy’s hand traced lightly up a strong arm and when Dean shifted just so and their hips came into contact, Jimmy gripped the shoulder under his palm impossibly tight, probably leaving a mark of his hand. If it had been Amelia that grip would have hurt. But Dean only groaned desperately into Jimmy’s neck and rolled them so the dark haired man was pinned to the bed. 

“Jimmy?” Dean had pulled back to look down at him. Jimmy smiled warmly at the look of concern that was fighting its way through the smoldering need in Dean’s eyes. 

“It’s me, Dean.” He assured the other man. “I wouldn't leave now for anything in the world.” 

“Good.” Dean smiled down at him before leaning in for a slow, molten kiss. He pulled back with a shaky breath. “I could get used to waking up like this.” 

“Me too.” Jimmy whispered the words against Dean’s lips before pressing their mouths together again. Then he moved his hands down Dean’s sides to grip his waist. Dean groaned into Jimmy’s mouth as the other man spread his legs so that Dean settled between them, fitting together like the pieces of a puzzle. Braced on his forearms, Dean began rocking gently against the man beneath him. The edge and urgency of the morning had given way to something slow and tender. Dean had every intention of making this last.

“Now that I have you here, I may never let you leave this bed.” Dean spoke between trailing kisses along Jimmy’s jawline.

“I’m sure there’s a reason that’s a bad idea…” Jimmy’s breathing was already coming in rapid pants as his hands trailed up Dean’s sides to grip at his shoulders. “But for the life of me I can’t think of why.” Jimmy’s smile turned into a moan as Dean’s laugh vibrated against his neck.

“I guess I’ll just have to keep you too busy to think.” Dean moved back up to capture Jimmy’s mouth in a possessive kiss before pulling away and running a hand through beautifully tousled black locks. He locked eyes with Jimmy and asked “Do you trust me?”

“Of course. You know I do.” There wasn't even a moment’s hesitation in his reply. 

“Awesome.” Dean returned to kissing Jimmy breathless. Lost completely in the rhythm of Dean’s tongue and slow rocking hips, Jimmy barely noticed the sound of the drawer on the bedside table opening and then closing as Dean reached into it for something. Like he said, he trusted Dean. Completely. 

Dean released Jimmy’s lips in favor of kissing and nipping his way down Jimmy’s chest. His left hand followed along gently caressing and trailing fingertips over sensitive flesh. Jimmy’s fingers clenched first at Dean’s shoulders and then into short, sandy hair as the taller man continued to make his way, almost torturously slowly, down Jimmy’s abdomen. Jimmy made needy little sounds and twisted this way and that trying to follow Dean’s lips. Finally, Dean seemed to fixate on the arch of Jimmy’s left hipbone. He laved his tongue over the spot while his hand massaged the juncture of Jimmy’s leg, knuckles just barely grazed the sensitive skin of Jimmy’s sac. 

“Dean…” Jimmy’s voice was all breathless desperation. Dean chuckled against the abused skin dragging a moan from the man beneath his lips. “Dean, please.” His fingers were clenching and unclenching in Dean’s hair. 

“Still trust me?” Dean asked as he placed a reverent kiss to the base of Jimmy’s straining shaft.

“Yes…” Jimmy hissed as he arched up off the bed. Dean used his left hand to press the unruly hips back down. Jimmy whimpered at being held still as he heard a soft click and a faint liquid sound. The restraining hand began rubbing gentle circles into his skin as Dean’s other hand dipped down between Jimmy’s legs. Gentle fingers slipped along his cleft and Jimmy tensed at the unfamiliar sensation.

“Shh. I've got you.” Dean continued to caress Jimmy’s hip in a soothing manner. He laid kisses on his thighs, his hips, around his aching flesh. As Jimmy relaxed into the touches Dean resumed caressing with his fingers. Jimmy could feel that they were slick where they began to circle his opening. He knew what came next and did his best to relax. But he couldn't help the sharp intake of breath and the contracting of his muscles as the very tip of the probing digit slipped past the tight ring. “Just tell me if you want me to stop.” Dean was looking up the line of Jimmy’s body. 

“No. Don’t stop.” Jimmy was breathing heavily and his blue eyes were shining with a mixture of anxiety and need.

“It's gonna hurt. I’ll be as gentle as I can.” He pushed his finger in just the tiniest bit further. “But tell me if it’s too much. I’ll stop.” Jimmy nodded, but he knew that no matter how much it hurt he wasn't going to stop the other man. He had waited too long to back out now. 

Jimmy forced himself to take deep, calming breaths. He moved his hands from Dean’s hair to the sheets so that he could grip them tightly. As Dean pushed the slick finger in the rest of the way Jimmy started counting. So far there was only just the barest stretching sensation but, for Jimmy, physical pain could sometimes trigger a slip. The pain, along with Jimmy’s heightened emotions, were almost certain to set one off. He wanted to stay here, grounded in this moment with Dean. So, he gripped the sheets tightly and counted, up to a hundred and back down as Dean continued to push and stretch with slicked fingers. 

Dean pulled back that one single digit only to return with two. When the second finger joined the first Jimmy drew in a sharp breath as the stretch turned into a burn. Dean heard the pained inhalation and tried to soothe away the tension seeping into Jimmy’s muscles. He kissed and licked up Jimmy’s hardness. Dean noticed that it was flagging just a little with the pain. As he worked the two fingers in deeper he took Jimmy between his lips, drawing him in slowly until Dean held almost the entire length in his mouth. 

“Oh… Dean…” As Dean moved his lips around him, Jimmy returned to full hardness. Dean started scissoring the fingers back and forth, reveling in the panting breaths escaping Jimmy’s lips. As Dean looked up he could see the muscles of Jimmy’s arms straining from his grip on the sheets. His head was tossed back against the pillow, moving restlessly side to side. Blue eyes were clamped shut and mouth open around the needy noises escaping his throat. He was utterly captivating as he writhed on Dean’s fingers, the burn shifting to a pleasing fullness. Dean had to force himself still to keep from thrusting into the mattress as he continued to move his mouth around the man currently at his mercy. 

“Jimmy…” Dean had pulled off and was looking up as Jimmy’s eyes came open slowly. “Are you ready for more?” Jimmy took in a deep, shuddering breath before nodding and gripping the sheets even tighter. Dean pulled his hand all the way out to add more slickness to his fingers. He moved them back to Jimmy’s already dripping entrance. As the tips of three of them pressed in Jimmy hissed in pain. Dean stilled immediately and used his free hand to massage Jimmy’s thigh gently. “You okay, still with me?” Dean could hear that Jimmy had resumed counting.

“Yeah… Just… Just give me second…” His eyes were clenched shut again and his breathing was shallow. Dean kept his fingers perfectly still as he continued to move his other hand soothingly, first over Jimmy’s thigh, then up over his abdomen and chest. He placed adoring kisses across Jimmy’s stomach, the tops of his thighs, his wilted length. As Dean continued his ministrations Jimmy once again grew hard and wanting beneath him. “Okay… I’m ready.”

“Hold onto me.” Dean had moved his free hand to twine with one of Jimmy’s where it had been clenched in the sheets. He gripped tightly while the digits of his other hand advanced ever so slowly. Jimmy’s grip tightened on Dean. The hand that Dean wasn't holding came away from the sheets to grip tightly at his shoulder. The nails bit into his flesh. Dean ignored the minor pain in favor of running his tongue along the inside of Jimmy’s thigh. He continued sliding his fingers deeper, whispering nonsense words of encouragement into Jimmy’s sweaty skin. When he finally had them all the way in he twisted ever so slightly, searching. Jimmy’s small whimpers suddenly broke off on a gasp followed by a long, drawn out moan that shot straight to Dean’s groin. He grinned as he swiped his tongue along the suddenly dripping length and rubbed the pad of his finger over the spot he had discovered. 

“Dean… oh Dean…” Jimmy’s hips were bucking again, seeking more contact instead of twitching with pain. “Please…” Dean pulled his hand free and reached for the lube. He put a healthy dose in his hand and coated himself quickly. He groaned at the contact on his neglected flesh. He took several steadying breaths before laying himself over Jimmy. Dean braced himself on one arm and used the other to urge Jimmy’s leg up, directing him to wrap them around his hips. Jimmy did as directed, hooking his ankles around each other for stability. 

“Sure you’re ready?” Dean asked, staring into Jimmy’s eyes.

“Yes.” Jimmy reached up with both hands to grip Dean’s hair. He dragged the taller man down into a desperate kiss. Dean groaned into his mouth as he felt Jimmy use the leverage of his legs to pull himself up, searching for contact. Dean’s aching hardness slid over the slickness in Jimmy’s cleft and his lips wrenched from Jimmy’s as a moan was torn from his throat. He dropped his head to Jimmy’s shoulder, breath erratic, while he tried to get himself under control. Their activities from that morning helped to keep things from ending before they got started. But, the way Jimmy was moving under him, clutching with his legs, panting against his neck… Dean shuddered as he moved one hand back to line himself up.

“This is going to hurt even more. I’m sorry.” Dean kissed softly along Jimmy’s shoulder and jaw as he slowly moved forward. Jimmy hissed and clenched with his fingers and legs, pulling at Dean’s hair. “Shh, shh. You have to try to relax.” Jimmy nodded and whimpered as he buried his face in the crook of Dean’s neck. When Dean was all the way in he stopped and held as still as he could, arms shaking from the effort of keeping still. The heat and grip of Jimmy was maddening and it took all of his self control to allow the other man time to adjust to the intrusion. 

“Dean.” Jimmy whispered after the stretch and burn had settled into an overwhelming feeling of fullness. “Dean, you can move now. Please.” Dean pulled back slowly and before pushing back in leaned down to lavish attention on Jimmy’s throat. He rocked forward slowly, being certain to listen for any signs of distress. All he heard was the slow slide of their flesh and needy little pants. He quickened his pace and the little breaths came quicker, the hands around his shoulders gripped tighter. Dean reached between them and worked his hand around Jimmy, where he was trapped between them. Jimmy arched into the touch shifting their angle ever so slightly. On Dean’s next push forward Jimmy dug his nails into the taller man’s back and moaned, low and long. 

Dean smiled into the sweaty neck and began thrusting in earnest. Each time he hit that spot deep inside Jimmy, making him fall apart in his arms. A twist of his wrist at the apex of a particularly insistent upstroke had Jimmy convulsing around him. Dean felt warmth flow over his fingers as he held Jimmy through his release. When he felt the last twitch of the spent organ he moved his hand from between them and braced it on the bed near Jimmy’s head. Dean’s rhythm became erratic as he moved lips up near Jimmy’s ear and whispered a stream of nonsense into the dark hair. 

“Oh god… Jimmy… needed this…” He kissed the shell of Jimmy’s ear reverently. “Need you… love you…” The whispered words sunk into the haze of Jimmy’s sated mind. He was almost certain Dean had no idea what he was saying, but that didn't change the truth behind them. 

“I love you, too.” Jimmy whispered it directly into Dean’s ear. Dean groaned and pushed forward one final time before stilling and emptying into the heat of Jimmy’s channel. After a few breathless moments he collapsed forward, barely stopping himself from smothering the shorter man. Dean rolled to the side and they both groaned as he slipped free. They laid close together, their breathing returned to normal and the sweat started to cool and become uncomfortable. Neither of them was going to mention their newest declarations. It was enough that it had been said. In the silence Jimmy’s stomach rumbled and seemed to break them both out of their trances. Dean laughed and leaned over to kiss the other man fondly.

“How about we take a shower…” He dropped a second chaste kiss to Jimmy’s lips. “And then I make you lunch?” Jimmy smiled up at him.

“You can’t cook, Dean.” Jimmy ran his fingers through the sweaty hair at Dean’s temple.

“No. But I make a hell of a turkey sandwich.” He stopped Jimmy’s laughing by pressing a firm kiss to his lips. When he pulled away and started to stand, Jimmy was still smiling.

“Sounds great.” Jimmy allowed himself to be pulled from the bed and followed Dean to the bathroom for that much needed shower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figured after 20 chapters of frustration for Dean, he deserved two really good chapters in a row. This one was a little lengthier. I may have gotten a bit carried away with the detail. Hope you enjoyed. Just the wrap up chapter left!


	23. Light From The Dark.

And so their routine changed again. During the week they would wake up together in what used to be Dean’s bed. It was just their bed now. Jimmy’s old room was mostly used for storage. They would get dressed, steal quick kisses and touches between brushing their teeth and finding keys and wallets. On their way out to the scrapyard and the shop at the hospital they would whisper their “I love you’s” and wish each other a good day. Jimmy would come home and clean up a little before making dinner. Dean would walk in and find Jimmy in the kitchen. He would wrap his arms around him from behind and say “what’s cooking good looking?” Every day, without fail. And every day Jimmy would roll his eyes, but smile fondly at the taller man. They would eat in front of the TV and then fall into bed together. 

On the weekends they slept in, wrapped around each other. They would take walks, go to the movies, visit a museum every now and then. Whatever they did they were together. At least once a month they had dinner at Uncle Bobby’s or invited him over to their place. Baseball season was always a little difficult. Whenever Bobby started talking about his favorite team Jimmy couldn't help laughing while Dean turned red and choked on his drink. Bobby would just shake his head and mutter “idjits.” 

They visited the cemeteries. Jimmy continued to slip the first few times and Dean would spend a few hours to a day with one of the alters. After a while, though, it got easier. Jimmy was able to hold onto himself and he started telling his girls stories about his new life. They retrieved Jimmy’s pictures from Dr. Gabriel. All over the apartment you could find framed photos of Amelia and Claire. Then Jimmy got a few old shoe boxes from Uncle Bobby and suddenly Sam, Mary and John were added to the mix. Dean practically threw a fit when he found one of his three year old self in the bathtub. Jimmy distracted him well enough and by the next morning Dean had gotten over it. 

One Saturday, while they were walking, Jimmy heard a pathetic mewling from behind some trash barrels. Dean went to investigate and found a little tan kitten with hazel eyes. Dean wanted to drop it at the shelter, but Jimmy’s jutted bottom lip and pleading blue eyes managed to change his mind. So instead they brought it to the vet. Got the little thing his shots and got him fixed. They went back and forth for a few days trying to decide on a name. One morning they woke up to the kitten curled on top of Jimmy’s head. Dean laughed and decided that the name Gabe would suit him. When Jimmy asked why, Dean simply said “he looks out for your head.” Jimmy scoffed, but the name stuck. And so two became three and the routine started to include twice daily feedings and a litter box cleaning schedule. 

It wasn't always perfect. Jimmy’s alters still surfaced from time to time. When he was particularly stressed or vulnerable he would slip. But, it was much less frequent as the months wore on. Dean started noticing elements from the alters personalities bleeding through into Jimmy. They had always been a part of him and as Jimmy continued to get better those shattered parts of himself started fitting back into the whole. Early on Dean had thought he would miss the alters when they were gone. But, he realized, they weren't really gone. Jimmy was kind like Emanuel and he was curious like Castiel. Every now and then he would put away pizza like Levi or argue like Godric. And he made love like Cas, with all of his passion and abandon.

In short, life was good. They had each other, and Uncle Bobby, and Gabe. Work at the scrapyard was going well, and Bobby hinted that Dean would be taking over once Bobby decided to finally retire. Jimmy’s further recovery meant that he could put more hours in at the hospital shop. After awhile he expressed interest in going back to school. He’d talked to Dr. Gabriel about studying to work in counseling. Dean thought it was an excellent idea and they started saving money for classes. Jimmy’s life had direction again. Instead of just living for Dean, he was living for himself as well.

It had taken years, a lot of patience, a lot of pain, and a lot of healing. But, after finding each other in the dark, Dean and Jimmy had created a world of light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed. I don't generally write or read AU storylines, but this one got stuck in my head. I really enjoyed exploring the different sides of Castiel.
> 
> I am toying with the idea of doing short stories in this universe of each of Dean's first kisses and first time with the alters. Thoughts?


End file.
